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You’ve Just Found Out About Your Loved One
Or Friend – Now What? |
Maybe you’ve just been told by someone you love or someone you know
that they are gay (for simplicity, we use the term gay here to include
gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered and "questioning" individuals). You
may be feeling quite an assortment of feelings and emotions right now if
you are, please don’t think your feelings are not normal or not valid.
Whatever you are feeling is normal, and many people who’ve "found out",
as you just have, have also felt the same things.
Let’s start off by briefly exploring some of the feelings you may experiencing.
Hopefully, you’ll quickly see that your feelings are similar to what others
sometimes experience. Some people go through distinct stages of emotions
(e.g., one distinct feeling/emotion followed by another followed by another),
while others experience several of these emotions at the same time. Some
people may experience one or two of these and never experience any of the
others. Every individual is different and it is almost impossible to correctly
predict how someone is going to react when told. These feelings and emotions
may include:
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Shock |
You may feel somewhat in a state of shock after hearing that your loved
one is gay because you may not have suspected it or even thought about
the possibility before you were told and this revelation may feel somewhat
overpowering initially. You may even feel like your whole world has been
turned upside down and that nothing makes sense right now. This is a normal
reaction of many people, even for those who have had suspicions in the
past. Suspecting or thinking about the possibility from time-to-time is
one thing, confirmation can be a whole different ball game. Confirmation
of our suspicions is something we are not always prepared to confront.
As shock to anything always does, it will begin to fade once a little time
has passed. And your world will turn right side up again very soon. Sure,
you have to do a little work (i.e., educating yourself) too, but before
you know it, things will be easier. |
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Fear |
You may experience uneasy feelings of fear, either for your gay loved
one or for yourself. For your loved one, you may fear that harm will come
their way from friends, associates, strangers or even from other family
members. For yourself, you may fear how your other immediate or extended
family members and close friends will react if they are told or find out.
There’s not much we can say that will alleviate your feelings of fear.
Only time will help those feelings to subside. Yes, there are people in
the world who would harm an individual simply because they are perceived
to be gay. Luckily, such incidents are very rare. You should worry more
about your loved one riding in a car on a crowded street the odds of being
involved in an auto accident are significantly higher! As for your family
and friends finding out, some may react wonderfully and others may suddenly
distance themselves from either you or your loved one. We can’t predict
how people will react. Just as you have to be patient with your loved one
during this education process, so must you be patient with others around
you. It isn’t always easy, but it’s the only way to succeed. |
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Guilt |
One of the first things parents will say (or at least think) is "what
did I do to ‘cause’ this?" Relax, you didn’t do anything to ‘cause’ it.
As far as a ‘cause’ goes, we don’t really know the origins of homosexuality
yet, although we are moving closer to finding the origins. From the limited
scientific data available today, it appears more and more that there is
a biological origin to homosexuality. So, don’t think as a mother, you
were too over-bearing or smothering to your child. If you are a father,
don’t think that you were too distant or didn’t engage your child in the
right activities. There are many stereotypes as to what parents did to
‘cause’ their child to be gay. But they are all stereotypes. Your child
is most likely gay for the same reasons that some children are left-handed
or brown-eyed or shy or outgoing. It’s just one other characteristic of
nature, and it’s not limited to just the human species either. Guilt feelings
are a very common reaction that is usually our way of trying to make sense
of this situation which just doesn’t make sense to you yet. However, as
you educate yourself more about this topic, you will discover that things
will begin to make sense and that there simply is no need for guilt of
any sort. |
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Grief |
Many parents experience varying degrees of grief after they’ve learned
that their child is gay. This is primarily due to a feeling that a death
has occurred. And one has. A death of the parents’ dreams for their child.
What many children don’t realize, at least those who don’t have children
of their own, is that when you have a child, over time you develop a set
of dreams for how your child’s life will evolve. There will be high school,
proms, maybe college, a serious boyfriend or girlfriend or two and then
one day, they will marry, settle down and start a family meaning, of course,
grandchildren! -- and will live out a happy life. Suddenly, when the parents
learn that their child is gay, those dreams are ripped from them just like
when a sudden death occurs. But, what parents eventually have to come to
realize is that those dreams can still be fulfilled only there may be a
few alterations along the way. What parents want most for their children
is that they be fulfilled and live happy lives. With the child’s revelation
that he/she is gay, the child is beginning his/her journey to achieving
exactly that for themselves. There can still be high school, proms, maybe
college, a serious boyfriend or girlfriend or two and a lifetime commitment
to someone they love. There can even be children, although not in traditional
sense. But they can have a family if they so choose. Yes, it’s not the
exact dream you had for them. But then, it was never their purpose in life
to fulfill YOUR dreams. Many parents who’ve traveled this journey and reached
acceptance have said that their new dreams for their children weren’t much
different than their old dreams. It just takes time to discover this for
yourself. |
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Denial |
Ah, good old denial. With denial, you sometimes don’t have to experience
the "trauma" of these other emotions because, of course, they don’t apply
to you your loved one is simply "mistaken", "confused" or our favorite,
"going through some kind of phase that will eventually pass." The first
and best thing you can do for yourself is to l-i-s-t-e-n to your loved
one. They know what they are feeling. Yes, they may still have some confusion
about certain elements of their sexuality, but they know who they are attracted
to. If you can only listen and say to yourself, "hey, what if this IS true,
how do I best support my loved one while learning more about this?", you
will have done yourself a world of good. And, if by some strange twist
of fate it turns out that it was "only some weird phase", then you’ve just
"wasted" a little time educating yourself about a new topic no harm done,
right? |
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Anger |
You may suddenly find yourself very angry at the person who told you
that they are gay. This anger could be caused by a variety of things. You
may be angry at them because you don’t understand why they suddenly told
you or even felt the need to tell you. You may feel that they are doing
this simply to "get to you" for some reason. You may simply be angry because
this is a new issue that you don’t want to have to deal with after all,
you’ve got your own set of problems or things to deal with. You may be
angry because you weren’t told before now or because you feel that you
should have been told before others were told. The possible reasons are
endless. But, odds are the reason you were told is because the person who
told you truly cares for you deeply. Gay people don’t make a habit of telling
just anybody they seek out those who are closest to them, people they care
for and people they trust. You may not feel it today, but hopefully one
day soon you will realize the importance for your loved one in choosing
to tell you. The way they chose to tell you may not have been the best
or ideal method, but give them a little credit everyone reacts differently
to this information, and there is no way they could predict how you would
react. If you can just give them a chance, you will see that they really
are no different as a person than they were before they told you. You just
know one more thing about them okay, maybe a BIG thing to you today, but
given time, not all that big a thing after all. And, so what if they told
you now? Should this really be about you? After all, they didn’t just tell
you that YOU are gay. You don’t have to live with the consequences and
struggles faced by gay individuals in the world today. That’s the path
they’ve been given (no, this isn’t a path someone chooses their is no choice
other than to choose to be honest with those you love that’s the choice
they’ve just made). If you can get past the anger, try to think of what
they must face, what they must deal with they are the one who needs your
support. This is truly about them. |
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Shame |
You may have feelings of shame or embarrassment initially. This is
perfectly normal. The first thing most people think of when the subject
"gay" comes up is s-e-x. And, in the American society especially, s-e-x
is an embarrassing, often taboo topic to discuss. But, as you become more
familiar with gay people and their daily lives, you’ll quickly see that
the s-e-x thing is only a minor part of their lives, no more significant
than in heterosexual relationships. You may also feel shame or embarrassment
because you now question whether your son, brother, father is manly enough
or if your daughter, sister, mother is too "butch." You may suddenly feel
like you don’t want to be seen with them in public. If so, this is probably
because you are fearful that others will judge you based on what you think
the public sees or perceives when they see your loved one. Our advice:
Try to relax and let others judge as they will. If you don’t judge someone’s
parent because you see a questionable characteristic or behavior of their
child (e.g., an overactive child), then why would you thinks others would
judge you based on something they might see in your child? And, odds are,
unless your loved one is exhibiting some peculiar behavior in public, no
one will notice your loved one in a crowd any more than any other person. |
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Comfort |
Yes, it’s actually possible. For some, finding out is like finding
the last piece of the puzzle that has been missing for a long time. It
provides comfort because suddenly, all the things that haven’t made sense
(e.g., the distance that your loved one kept (both emotionally and physically),
the avoidance of family and friends, the disinterest in dating and social
activities, the depression) suddenly do. Also, now that the news is out,
it can be discussed openly and honestly for the very first time. This is
often a period of rediscovering someone you already know well, even better.
And, much to the surprise of many who are told, their biggest "discovery"
is that there really is no new discovery to make the gay individual really
isn’t any different. They have the same personality, they dress the same
way, they still laugh at the same jokes, they still go to school or work,
etc. About the only thing that is different is they are finally a little
more relaxed around others, including you. And, what a welcome change that
is. |
As we stated before, everyone goes through their own personal journey
at their own pace. We can’t tell you how long it will take you to reach
a level of acceptance or what specific emotions you will or won’t experience
along the way. What we can tell you is that talking about it openly and
reading books on this subject will help the process go much faster. Talking
about it with others at PFLAG meetings who have already gone through this
process or who are going through it at the same time as you is often the
best and easiest way to make personal progress.
So, other than talking and reading, what are your options? Well, where
you go from here, whether it’s to crawl under a rock and attempt to shut
out the world (or at least your loved one), or whether it’s to take the
plunge to begin educating yourself about a topic you may have thought would
never directly impact you, is totally and completely up to you. We hope
you’ll go for the second option. All of us at PFLAG have, and we can testify
today that we are stronger, wiser and yes, happier that we took that plunge.
One thing that is crucial for you to understand is that it has probably
taken your loved one a very long time to put all the pieces of their puzzle
together to finally admit to him- or herself and then accept the fact that
they are gay. It will most likely take you some period of time to fully
understand and hopefully accept this fact too. In fact, it is often said
by parents that when their child "came out" of the closet, many of the
parents went right in to their own closet for awhile meaning that they
too were confused, unsure and felt like hiding from others because they
needed to carry the secret. If that’s what you find yourself doing initially,
don’t worry you won’t be in that state forever. What you must do to get
out of that state is to begin educating yourself and begin talking about
it with others. That’s what PFLAG is all about. Helping you do just that
in a confidential, friendly setting where you can ask anything and get
the information you need.
Before we end this discussion, we’d also like to make you aware of just
a few of the many positives you will come to realize over time. They won’t
all happen overnight, but they will happen if you let them. The "positives"
include:
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No more emotional distance, hiding, half-truths, stress, anxiety and fear
suffered by your loved one
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A new understanding of and closeness to your loved one
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An appreciation that your loved one is really no different than before
you found out you only know one additional piece of information; your loved
one hasn’t changed in demeanor, character, or ethics
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A new understanding of human diversity and appreciation of people, some
to become your friends, which you might otherwise never have come to know
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