(written in June, 1998)

It’s hard to imagine that twelve years have gone by since our first PFLAG meeting. It was in the spring of 1986. My husband and I had received "the letter" from our 29 year old son, telling us he was gay. We were still waiting for the "right girl" to come along and knock him off his feet, but it never happened. Jim, our son, had a college degree, a great job as a financial analyst, a lovely home and car. He taught Sunday School, was active in civic affairs, and now he was telling us about the piece of his life that had been missing. He was gay there would be no girl with whom he would become smitten.

Our first response was to call Jim and assure him that we loved him, that we were still coming to see him over Mother’s Day weekend (plans that had been made months in advance). The second response was to go to the phone book and look up "homosexuality", "gay" and "parents." There were two organizations listed there. The first ring brought an answering machine "Your gay loved one can be changed, have heart! Leave your number and we will return your call". "Changed" when it took him 29 years to come out? No, let’s try the other number. We did, got a voice, and it was a kind lady from PFLAG. We tearfully told her our story, and she consoled us, and invited us to the next PFLAG meeting.

My husband and I were both educators, had been in group therapy and other support groups and toastmasters, and so going to that first meeting wasn’t hard for us. We were surprised at the emotion that surfaced as we told our story, and appreciative of the support that came from the others present. We borrowed books from PFLAG’s "lending library" Jim had said we could ask him any questions we wanted to, but we preferred to be somewhat knowledgeable ourselves. We attended three meetings, then felt we had it all put together, and went on with our lives. We were proud of our gay son, and gradually told friends and relatives.

Jim lived in Tulsa at the time, and we in Phoenix, so we saw him three or four times a year. He came home that Christmas and was telling us about working on the AIDS hotline at Shanti, a local AIDS services group. We expressed our concern about the disease. "Oh, don’t worry, I take care of myself", was his response. Little did my husband and I know that Jim was already infected with HIV. But back in the mid 80’s, little was known about the disease, and it was then thought that only 10% of the infected people would progress to the dreaded AIDS stage, and Jim was healthy--big, strong, a marathon runner, worked out at the health club, didn’t do drugs, didn’t smoke, and he wasn’t going to be a part of that 10%.

But Jim did develop AIDS the very next month pneumocystis pneumonia. It happened so fast that when his doctor called us, there was no assurance Jim would live through the weekend. But he did live, fought AIDS for three years, and our reading and support groups and volunteer time turned to AIDS. Those three years were precious quality time. "Wrapped In Love" is a book I wrote about those years we treasure the memories. "[Webmaster’s note: Ruth’s book is available in our free "lending library" which is available at our support meetings.] Jim was active in speaking out about AIDS at work, in the community, and so we followed his example. We ran a support group at a local hospital for friends and families of people with AIDS, and organized a speakers’ bureau at a local AIDS agency. We found that many people were blaming homosexuals for the disease they had to place their anger somewhere so the PFLAG library books that we had read helped us to help them HIV is not caused by people, it’s caused by behaviors, and every one of us, gay and straight, is vulnerable.

Jim died in 1989 at the age of 33, and many people, including family, sighed with relief, and said, "Now you can get on with your lives." And we did. But our lives were to go a new direction. Homosexuality and AIDS had made a very big impact on our lives. We personally experienced the lack of support from our own homophobic minister. We personally experienced prejudice and fear on the part of hospital professionals as we were in and out of hospitals during the course of the disease. We personally saw families exclude lovers from the bedside, take over possessions, and the ultimate of indignities taking the body "back home". We had work to do.

Out of retirement, and back on the job. It was now 1991. The Arizona legislature had just mandated HIV education in the schools, so representing the Department of Education, we were on the road, traveling Arizona, teaching teachers how to teach about HIV, and giving them a "homosexuality 101" at the same time. Invariably, after each training session, at least one person would quietly seek one of us out, to share their story of a gay loved one. It was always the same they were alone, couldn’t share with anyone, didn’t have information. We also became advocates for people living with HIV who were in the schools teachers, kids, families. The school community didn’t want them, but were forced to take them. There was the fear of "catching AIDS". An even bigger fear of an infected man was either that he was gay or perceived to be (since of course "AIDS" and "gay" are synonymous) and was in danger of losing his job. Arizona is not one of the nine states giving protection to gay people in the job market.

So it was back to PFLAG for us. The gay community needed our support. They had embraced us during Jim’s illness; and it was our turn to embrace them. The Phoenix PFLAG chapter decided that there should be PFLAG meetings at various locations in the valley, so in 1993 we began to facilitate the east valley meeting in Tempe. We began attending PFLAG Steering Committee meetings, were soon on PFLAG’s Board, and then began speaking at local, state and national PFLAG conferences. We have since joined a primarily gay non-denominational Christian church, Community Church of Hope. We first tried to change the thinking of the church we had called our own for so many years, but to no avail. God sent us to this church, to minister and to be ministered to.

Phoenix PFLAG is now in the midst of a "Safe Space" program in the public high schools. One thing seems to flow into another. We both had spent our professional lives in the schools, and now we needed to go back and share new things we had learned, to make the schools a healthy, comfortable and safe environment in which gay kids can learn. The 1997-98 school year was the first for the "Safe Space" program, and in conservative Arizona, it got off to a slow start. But we will continue, and in 1998-99 we hope to add middle schools, and to begin making inroads in the churches.

"Get on with your life?" We have, and every day is a new, rewarding and enriching experience as we share our love and concern for the gay people who have and will continue to touch our lives.
 

Ruth and Ray Grove, Co-Presidents (1996-1998) Phoenix PFLAG Chapter

Ruth & Ray at the Phoenix Pride 2000 parade