Two Mommies for Two Babies

From the time I was 4 years old and mimicked my mom breastfeeding my little sister by lifting my own shirt and putting my favorite doll to my chest, I knew I wanted to be a mother.  I also knew, because of my parents' divorce when I was 12, that it was very important to me to have children with the right person...someone who would not only be a loving companion, but also an amazing parent...no one was more surprised than me, when that person came in the form of a woman.

Previously, I was married to a man.  And certainly by society's standards, he was the "right" person with whom I should have children.  But I knew early in our marriage, that he would not make the kind of co-parent I felt a child should have.  However, when I met Lori, the fragmented puzzle pieces of my life finally clicked, and while a great majority of society would deem our union unfit to raise children, I was blissful, having finally found the co-parent I'd been looking for.  Even before we conceived, I knew in the very depths of my heart and soul that she would ultimately be the best gift I could ever give any child I would be blessed enough to bear.

Knowing that my life would not be complete without children, I asked Lori on our second date how she felt about them.  She answered that although she would love to be a mother, she didn't really have any desire to physically give birth...again, the puzzle pieces locked.  A union ceremony in front of family and friends, a move to a new city, and five years later, we finally decided it was time to start our family.

Our first 3 rounds of spontaneous intrauterine artificial insemination with an anonymous donor in the late summer and early fall of 1998 were unsuccessful and left us disappointed and in debt.  There was no reason to believe I couldn't conceive, we just needed to keep trying, which ultimately meant, we needed more money.  So we decided to take a break while I got a better job, which enabled us to pay-off our debt, save for a second car, and start again with renewed hope in the spring of 2000.

We used a different fertility clinic this time.  And after sharing our previous experience, the doctor decided to put me on the lowest dosage of the fertility drug, Clomid.  He was fairly certain I was releasing an egg each month when I ovulated, but with the fertility drug, I would most likely release two, thus doubling my chances of getting pregnant.  It never occurred to us, that if two eggs were released, there was also a chance, that both would be fertilized (bet you can't guess where this story is going)!

In addition to using a different clinic, we also chose a different anonymous donor.  One question we are frequently asked is why we chose to go that route instead of using someone we knew.  The answer, for us, is easy.  We  wanted our children to have only two parents and felt that using someone we knew would simply complicate our family structure.  Another question people wonder is what will happen if our children want to meet their father.  Again, the answer is simple.  Our children do not have a father; they have a donor.  In our minds, there is a HUGE difference and to use the two terms interchangeably, diminishes the important role of fathers everywhere who are a part of their children's daily lives.  Who influence their children's spiritual and emotional growth.  Who sit through soccer games in the rain.

Who get up in the middle of the night to chase away monsters or change soiled sheets.  Our children have a donor.  Someone who was generous enough to give of himself because females who want to have babies need the other half of a biological equation to create a human life.  That is not a father.

Our donor chosen, we once again, endured 3 rounds of intrauterine artificial insemination.  The doctor told us, that if we weren't successful with the third round, we would need to take a month off so he could do some testing to find out why we were having trouble conceiving.  Alas, the testing was not needed...on Wednesday, August 2nd, 2000 a home pregnancy test at 1:45AM and a subsequent blood test later that morning at a more reasonable hour, confirmed we were indeed going to have a baby.

The next four days were euphoric.  We called our parents, siblings, and friends; all of whom shared our joy and excitement.  But our days of bliss were over before they really had a chance to begin as four days later, I was running for the nearest toilet, my new best friend and steady companion over the next three months.

My morning sickness was horrendous.  Two weeks after learning we were pregnant, our fertility doctor performed a routine vaginal ultrasound to ensure the pregnancy was viable, and we found out why  I was so sick-- instead of doubling, as they do with a singleton pregnancy, my hormones were quadrupling -- Lori's constant teasing about "two-for-the-price-of-one" proved prophetic; we were having twins!

We took two seconds to recover from the shock, and from that point forward, were beyond ecstatic anticipating the arrival of our Giggle Beans...so dubbed because they looked like little beans on our first ultrasound, and each time a wave of nausea took control, I imagined them in my womb, giggling and growing.  My midwife told me that morning sickness is a good sign of a healthy pregnancy.  And as I learned the fine art of toilet dashing, I prayed she was right.

As the months progressed, Lori and I enthusiastically attended each prenatal visit.  We listened to heartbeats, marveled over their little forms on ultrasound, and watched with eager anticipation as my stomach grew to accommodate the precious lives I was carrying.  In November, we had our second ultrasound and learned we were probably having two girls.  We were both shocked, and somewhat skeptical of the analysis because boys are a far more common result of artificial insemination using previously frozen sperm.

So even though we started allowing ourselves to indulge more frequently in thoughts of pink than blue, we still held our emotions in check until the moment their gender could truly be confirmed, their birthday.

My due date was April 8th.  And early in my pregnancy, I announced that I would indeed be having April babies.  The month of April just resonated with me, and the thought of having spring babies was immensely appealing.  To this revelation, everyone, including my midwife, simply smiled and verbally coddled me, with murmurs of, "You're pregnant so we'll let you have your fantasies, but it's most likely you'll have March babies."  The myth that twins always come early was one of only many facts about which I found myself in a position to educate people throughout my pregnancy.  In fact, only fifty percent of all twins arrive before the thirty-seven week mark.

Another misnomer which never ceased to amaze me is how many people think artificial insemination is the same thing as invitro fertilization.  I am pleased to say there is at least a small population in Northwest Phoenix which has now been enlightened.

I have always felt that education was, for me, the best defense against much of the blind ignorance I have faced regarding my relationship with Lori.  And as a result, I am always open to questions from people who are genuinely interested in learning and growing.  Few questions surprise me, but when I was pregnant, there were a couple memorable ones which did indeed take me by surprise.

Several questions from people revolved around our donor.  The overriding concern being that since we don't know this person, it is conceivable that at some point in their lives, our children could end up procreating with someone who shares their genes.  To this, I always point out that sperm banks were not created for homosexuals wishing to reproduce, but for heterosexual couples struggling with male infertility.  In fact, there are far more heterosexual couples than lesbians who have utilized sperm banks; but because heterosexual couples do not publicize the fact that they needed such intervention to conceive, this is truly one of society's best kept secrets.

Other concerns, masquerading as questions, involved the difficulty our children would have growing up with two moms.  One woman even went so far as to call our decision the ultimate act of selfishness as she was aghast we would even conceive (no pun intended) of bringing a child into "our environment."  I'm still not certain to what environment she was referring, but if she means one full of love and joy, where we treat each other with the utmost dignity and respect, where we listen without judging, and laugh without ridicule, then I'm still puzzled as to what she meant...

As far as addressing the difficulties our children may (or may not) have growing up with two moms, I would be much happier to address this question coming from someone who has indeed grown up with same sex parents.  Those who have not, cannot imagine it, and thus, find themselves compelled to judge it negatively.  Our girls will never know a mother and a father; they will only know the love of two mothers who adore their souls and worship their existence on this earth.  We truly believe we are blessed to be stewards of two such amazing miracles...all children have difficult times in their childhood, it's part of growing up.  At least for us, we have the advantage of knowing one of the hurdles our children will face; thus, we can be proactive whereas most parents have to be reactive, dealing with their children's struggles as they surface.

To that end, we belong to a wonderful Unitarian church in Sun City that embraces our family and have surrounded ourselves with friends and family with whom the girls will always feel accepted and loved.  Fortunately, those people who were less than enthusiastic about our pregnancy kept mostly to themselves, leaving plenty of room for our ardent supporters to throw us baby showers and share in our joy as we counted down the weeks.

I had a blessedly uneventful pregnancy, with no complaints, problems, or scares, save for some minor swelling in my feet which started at Week 37.  By then, I was starting to delight in seeing the astonished faces of my co-workers each morning when I arrived for work.  And although I scaled back my hours, I was still working 25-30 hours a week at my office job up until they were born.  By mid March, my midwife told me I could have the babies anytime, and they would be considered full-term by twins' standards.  I told her that was great but I was still holding out for April 2nd at a minimum.  I think by then, she was starting to believe I would make it.

And no one was more vindicated than I, except maybe our attorney, when April 2nd finally arrived without incident.  We saw Kathie Gummere's ad in our PFLAG newsletter and had also been given her name as we researched an attorney to handle the creation of some legal documents which would protect us and our babies.  We signed the final papers on Monday, April 2nd and feel that our decision to hire Kathie was one of the best prenatal decisions we made.

Kathie was immensely helpful in educating us about the laws of our state and suggesting the best possible route, given that the state of Arizona has a law on the books which prevents two people of the same sex from adopting the same child.  Of all the discrimination we've had to endure in our lives, this is, for us, the most difficult.  That, by law, I am the birth mother, and Lori, while my appointed legal guardian, does not have any legal claim to the children who will know her as their mother as much as they know me.  We do not know what our future holds, but we know that Lori's being able to adopt our daughters is important enough to us that we would consider moving to a state like California or Washington where this is possible.  In the meantime, we take comfort in the creation of our documents, knowing we have them in place and have done our very best to be proactive should we ever have cause to call them into use.

With the ink on our documents barely dry, we breathed a sigh of relief and waited in anticipation for the arrival our Giggle Beans.  By Sunday, April 8th, their due date, I had been laboring on and off for 4 days and even made a false-alarm trip to the hospital a few days earlier.  I awakened Lori at 2AM and told her we were going to the hospital.  The contractions in my back were excruciating, and I had reconciled that whatever interventions it took, the babies would be born on their due date.  I could deal with the back pain no longer.

Once the three-hour check-in and diagnosis process was over, things moved quickly.  At least it appears that way in retrospect!  I received 20 milligrams of Morphine in 10 mg increments.  This took the edge off my pain, but not as much as we had hoped.  I also agreed to a dosage of Prostaglandin gel applied to my cervix to help me progress with the agreement that because this would enhance my contractions, I could get an epidural almost immediately.  My doula arrived around 10:00AM and my epidural was administered an hour later.

Throughout my pregnancy, I had watched videos and seen epidurals being administered.  It was inconceivable to me to have a needle stuck in my back.

However, I never dreamed I would have back pain so intense that I wouldn't even feel the needle for the epidural.

The next four hours were wonderful.  The epidural didn't numb my legs so I could feel the foot massage my doula gave me.  My midwife was in and out of my room and there was lots of chatting and laughing and excitement as I knew it was our babies' birthday.

I started pushing around three o'clock.  If I had known then that Baby A wouldn't be born until 6:41PM, I never would have made it.  It was the most physically exhausting work I have ever done.  In addition, my epidural had been turned down so I could feel my contractions, and my back pain resumed almost immediately.  I found myself not caring about the video, pictures, or any of the other keepsakes I hoped to capture from that time.  All I wanted was relief.  I wanted my back pain to stop and my babies in my arms.  It didn't seem like too much to ask for...

Three and a half years later, okay it was actually three and half hours later, Baby A started to crown.  After pushing for what seemed like an eternity, it was only a matter of seconds and she was born.  I reached my hands between my legs as soon as her head emerged and once my midwife removed the cord from around her neck, I helped bring her onto my tummy.  She couldn't come up any further because her cord was short, but I could still touch her and talk to her.  Words fail me in trying to describe my feelings at that moment.  Those who have experienced the miracle of childbirth will understand.  Those who haven't could never understand no matter how I might try to explain.

Finally...one of our babies had been born...and so had two mommies.  We named her Kate.  Lori cut the cord, and we spent the next 20 minutes bonding, crying tears of joy, and thanking God for our beautiful blessing.

At seven o'clock, my contractions started again, just as the nurses had a shift change.  I thought, "You've got to be kidding!  Hasn't anyone ever heard of finishing what they start?"  But contractions be damned, it was out with the old and in with the new.

I gave Kate to Lori and began focusing on our second child.  It was the same as before, pushing and breathing, and I found myself aching for this part to be over.  Several minutes later, our second daughter, Lorin, was born at 7:17PM with a compound presentation of her left foot by her ear, something our midwife had never seen before.

Once again, I pulled her onto my chest, and marveled that I should be so lucky as to experience the miracle of birth twice in one day.  This time, I cut the cord.  I was and still am in absolute awe of these beautiful creatures that I carried and helped to enter this world under the best possible circumstances.  I kept thinking of that line from the song in The Sound of Music, "Somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good."

We waited to have the babies weighed and measured so everyone in the room took turns predicting their stats.  Our midwife came closest.  Kate weighed 7 pounds 3 ounces and was 20 inches long; Lorin weighed 6 pounds 4 ounces and was 19 1/2 inches.  Both healthy, both perfect.  In the morning, the pediatrician pronounced them healthy specimens and signed their release papers.  We left the hospital when they were just 18 hours old.

Our first week at home was bliss.  We requested no visitors until they were a week old so we had time to ourselves to bond and connect with our darling Giggle Beans.  For us, this was definitely the right decision because although we weren't completely ready to share them when company did start arriving, it did help having at least one week of solitude.

We set up a crib in our room, intending that they would sleep together in the crib in our room until they were at least six months old.  To date, they have slept with us, in our bed every night.  This was not by design, it was by instinct, something to which we have found ourselves acutely attuned since their arrival.  So many parenting actions we arrogantly said we'd never do when we were childless, have managed to permeate our home and humble us in the process.  We have promised never again to chastise parents who arrive somewhere late "because of the children."

As I write this, we are five days away from celebrating the year anniversary of the day our babies were conceived.  The past year has truly been the most exhilarating, incredible year of my life.  So many changes...so many blessings.  Two months before the babies were due, Lori went to court and officially changed her surname to mine.  She had been using my last name for almost eight years but wanted to make it legal so that when our babies arrived, we all shared the same surname.  In our society, having the same last name is one characteristic of a traditional family.  And while we are not a traditional family, it is important for us to help society perceive us as a whole, loving family unit.  More importantly, we didn't want our daughters to question why one mommy didn't share their last name.

We also made another decision which, while being the right one for us, is also considered inherent in a traditional family structure.  We waited to have children until we were in a position where, even though we are still forced to make sacrifices, we can afford to live on one income.  Certainly, it would be easier financially if we were both working, but we didn't wait almost 8 years to have children so that someone else could raise them.

We live in a nice neighborhood in a suburb of a major metropolitan city, within walking distance of a park and an elementary school.  We celebrate holidays with loved ones, worry about the environment, participate in fund-raising for social causes, and are trying to save for our children's future while still paying our monthly mortgage.  In many ways, we're just your typical all-American family...

When I was pregnant, a co-worker felt compelled to come into my office one day and shut the door.  She had a number of opinions about my choice to have a baby, all of them rooted in her religious beliefs and none of them supportive or kind.  But of all the things she said to me, the one to which I took the most offense was her assertion that if I could just find the right man, I would be as happy as her and her husband.

I have no idea how happy this woman is, but I do know my own mental state.

Every day, I give thanks for the blessings of my life.  For having a spouse who loves me unconditionally, who grounds me in comfort while encouraging me to take risks, and for the beautiful children who are the product of our love.

I have a picture of myself  hanging on the wall in my office.  I am five years old, sitting on the staircase of my childhood home with my legs crossed, intently feeding one of my dollies her bottle.  I've flanked it with similar pictures taken 28 years later, feeding each of my daughters.  The only difference is that my face, while still perhaps a bit intent, also radiates the true joyfulness that only motherhood can impart.

Renee and Lori,
with Kate and Lorin . . .
or is it Lorin and Kate???

So, what have Renee and Lori been up to since they first wrote their story?  Read on . . .

From the May 8, 2003 edition of Echo Magazine:

Same time, in two years?
Conservative Arizona legislature leads GLBT activists to new strategies
By Buddy Early

In the world of political lobbying, it can take years for a law to pass — or even to get to the table. It certainly is true for GLBT lobbyists, who must have incredible patience to get a single GLBT-friendly law to pass at the Arizona state legislature. In 2001, after several years of attempts, the state's archaic sex laws finally were wiped off the books. Similarly, an attempt to pass a statewide Employment Non-Discrimination Act came closer than it ever had before.

    With budget issues dominating the 2002 legislative calendar, and a conservative body elected this last time around, the last two legislative sessions might have to be considered a wash for GLBT activists.

Lori & Renee Rocheleau

    As things stand now, Lori is merely a guardian of the two children — Kate and Lorin — thanks to a legal document they have notarized every six months. That document, however, does not supercede other laws that would give custody of the children to Lori's family should something happen to her.

    That's a scenario the Rocheleaus hope never transpires, but the fact remains that, as Lori puts it, "I have no legal responsibility to these children."

    That means Lori could leave the 10-year relationship — one in which she is the primary breadwinner while Lori acts as stay-at-home mom — and Lori would most likely have to turn to the state for assistance. The Rocheleaus think that is disgraceful.

    What they've discovered is that many people, gays and lesbians included, do not realize this scenario is very possible, and that there is no protection for gay and lesbian families. For this reason, Lori took her case to a GLBT community forum April 3, determined to get this issue on the minds of legislators and the rest of the community.

    "I don't think they knew this was an issue," said Lori, referring to the four gay legislators who attended the meeting.

    And while she was hoping specifically to address Governor Napolitano, who stopped by to offer a brief speech to the crowd, she left encouraged that her mission is not a lost cause. They are now working with the Arizona Human Rights Fund and a new local chapter of the Human Rights Campaign to understand the political strategy required to get GLBT-friendly laws passed. They realize it may take years before they actually see any progress on second-parent adoption.

    On the other hand, it may not take as long if bypassing the legislature becomes an option. According to State Sen. Ken Cheuvront, some issues affecting the GLBT community may have the support of Gov. Napolitano, including ENDA and second-parent adoption. Despite the conservative makeup of the current legislature, Cheuvront points out that Arizona has a Democratic governor for the first time in 12 years. In that time, the GLBT community has gained considerable political stature. With that combination, Cheuvront believes an executive order barring employment discrimination based on sexual orientation and gender identity is a possibility.

    "A lot of these issues can be dealt with that way," revealed Cheuvront.

    In the meantime, AHRF officials will continue to strategize for the next 18 months, assuring their constituency that GLBT issues are, in fact, not off the table. The focus, says AHRF lobbyist Kathie Gummere, has shifted to the 2004 election. Registering voters and encouraging them to go to the polls is crucial, according to Gummere, in order to ensure a more moderate, GLBT-friendly legislature.

    She is also quick to remind that ENDA, which seems to inch closer to passage every year, was not left off the agenda. Although not highly publicized, a bill was introduced earlier this session, only to be refused a hearing by Jim Weiers, chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee.

    "We anticipated what happened to ENDA," admitted Gummere. "We introduced it to remind everyone we're still around."

    Instead of pushing bills at the legislature, Gummere said AHRF is working with certain Arizona cities to pass ordinances that would benefit GLBT people.

    "We have several things in the works that we hope to be able to announce (in the next 18 months)," disclosed Gummere, declining to specify any cities other than Tucson, not wanting to tip off potential opponents.

    Additionally, she promised that AHRF would continue to fight any bills that would impact the GLBT community negatively, saying "They haven't done anything to hurt us yet."

    Cheuvront put a more positive spin on this session. He and his fellow gay legislators — Reps. Jack Jackson, Jr., Robert Meza and Wally Straughn — have been working to ensure funding for the AIDS Drug Assistance Program and to secure domestic partner benefits for university employees.

    Lori and Renee Rocheleau, meanwhile, will continue to educate people about the need for second-parent adoption laws, having decided to work with AHRF on a strategy.

    "They're the experts on political activism," said Lori.

    They also want everyone to know that they're willing to be leaders in this fight. And when the time comes to introduce a bill, Gummere says she has someone — the perfect person — who is willing to sponsor it.

    "I'm out, and I'm ready to drive the train," said Lori. "If folks want to get on and be passengers, I'm okay with that."