A Mother's Reward:  Reba's Story

By  Reba Coffman, 12/03/2002

In April of 1957 I gave birth to a baby boy but due to some difficult circumstances I had to give him up for adoption.  The court told me at that time that I should never try to find him for if I did I would cause him unhappiness and disrupt this life.  That was something I never wanted to do but there were many times, especially at night, that I longed for him and wondered if he was happy and if he was loved.  This continued for over thirty years.  No one in the family knew about my son and alone I carried this heartache.

Then one day as I was driving up in my yard, a woman approached me.  She asked if I had had a child born in April of 1957?  I told her I had, but we needed to talk away from the house because no one in the family knew about him.  She said he wanted to see me but he did not want to cause me any heartache or pain.

You can never know the joy I felt in hearing this wonderful news. I gave her my phone number and she made the arrangements for us to talk.  It was wonderful talking to my son for the very first time.  Just to hear his voice, you cannot imagine!!!!!  I discovered that due to an earlier illness he was able to have his adoption papers opened and from there he had learned my name.  Those first few weeks we talked every day until he was finally able to come to the city where I lived.  I would loved to have seen him earlier but I was not able to go due to caring for my brother who became disabled in World War II.

Seeing my son for the first time was a joy I cannot express.  He was so handsome and such a caring and beautiful person.  We spent the whole day together and had a wonderful time.  I came home and told my other children about their brother.

After he returned to his home he called a few days later and said that he had something to tell me and feared that I might not want to have anything to do with him after he told me.  My heart sank to the floor, wondering what it could possibly be.  Then he said, "I am gay".  I answered, “so what”.  He said, "I will never forget your answer".  I later learned that his adopted mother had told him I would not want him in my life if I found out he was gay, as they, themselves, had not accepted his gay lifestyle.

A few weeks later I was able to spend a week with him and met all his friends and it was so great to be with him.  Later he came to spend a weekend with me to meet his new family.  He told me to tell them he was gay since he didn't want to get close to them if they would, ultimately, reject him.  Fortunately, most of them didn't care since he was their brother and they were familiar with gay people since they also had a gay uncle.  One child, however, did not accept him and this caused me great pain.

A short time later my son moved to another state after he received his PhD in psychology to be with a friend and to start a clinic for drug and alcohol patients.  My brother and I moved to that state to be with him and it was there that I found out about PFLAG.  I joined and became an active member and was elected to the board of directors.  It was lovely to be living together as a family.

About that time in the city we moved to a gay rights ordinance was proposed to the board of aldermen.  To me it was a clear choice and affecting our sons and daughters.  They needed to be treated in a fair and just matter in all areas of their lives!!!!!  To get the attention of the public the members of PFLAG decided to stage a "sit in" if the ordinance did not pass.  Unfortunately it did not pass and the sheriff was called in because we would not leave the chambers.  He asked us to leave peacefully and said if we did, all wou1d be forgotten.  But we did not leave and approximately 25 of us were arrested.  Among us were ministers, teachers, lawyers, mothers and fathers.  The police did treat us in a respectful manner and put us in the gym rather than a jail cell.  The following day we appeared before the judge and some of us were required to do community service and some of us, including myself, were required to pay a small fine.  This action made the newspaper and the TV and brought attention to our children's struggle; that was our purpose.  The next year the ordinance was proposed again and this time it passed.

Something I would like to ask parents who have gay sons and daughters to do is to give them the love and support they deserve and treat them and their struggles and joys the same way you would your other children's.  The last few years with my son have been some of my happiest times.  Since my brother and I have returned to Arizona, we try to get together every Christmas or as much as possible.  My gay son has grown into a very caring and compassionate man and I am very thankful everyday that he is in my life and let him know how much I love him.  I ask other parents to remember that even if your children's lifestyle is different from what you imagined, they are still the babies you once loved and still need your caring and love.  Let them know it now and show them you care.  I wanted to share one mother's reward for having such a loving son who also happens to be gay!!!!

Reba with her long-lost son, Daniel, who was visiting her for the very first time on Mother's Day, 1991.