Mike Concludes That He Must Begin "Coming Out"

After discovering and eventually accepting the fact that I am gay, I then decided it was time I stop hiding from the world and start living the free life that I am entitled too.  I knew all the damage I had already done, both to myself and to you, Dad, Teresa, Lynn, the rest of our family and all my friends by distancing myself so much from everyone.  I began to realize that the only way that situation would ever improve was for me to face the truth about myself and to begin being truthful with those that I care about.  I also could not stand to keep this tremendous "secret" any more which exhausted me and required me to tell thousands of little white lies and several big lies to cover my tracks.  My anxiety just continued to grow.  I had to tell someone!

Well, I decided through a process of elimination that the first person that I would tell had to be Teresa.  I obviously couldn't tell you or Dad due to the tremendous stress both of you were already under.  I couldn't tell Lynn first because (a) she was struggling with nursing school and I didn't want to impact that, (b) she and I weren't as close as Teresa and I, and I wasn't sure she could/would keep my "secret" and (c) she lived at home with you and Dad which just made telling her even worse.  So, I sat down one day in mid October (last year-1995) and wrote a letter to Teresa.  Exactly twenty-four non-stop hours later, I finished an eleven page letter to her.  I sent it Fed-Ex so that it would arrive on a Saturday morning at her house (so she'd have the weekend to "recover" if she needed it).  I told her in the letter that if she was willing to meet with me after reading the letter, I would fly out to see her in Virginia about three weeks later.  I was scared to death!!!  Finally, I was going to reveal this massive secret to another human being -- I didn't know what would happen, what to expect, or whether she and her husband, Jim would honor my request to keep my secret until I decided it was time to tell others.  On that Saturday, about noon (my time) the phone rang.  My heart did a major mambo dance number as I answered.  It was Teresa.  She was calling to tell me she had received the letter, had read it, and that she still loved me.  As I am doing now as I write this, I choked up with tears.  My worst fear that she would hate me hadn't come true!  She asked me to come see her as I had mentioned, so three weeks later, I flew out to spend three days at a nearby hotel.  Teresa told the kids that she had to work that weekend, and we spent most of the three days together with me doing 90% of the talking, with me telling her pretty much everything I've told you in this letter.

Since she didn't talk that much during those three days, I left not fully knowing how she was dealing with all this.  When I asked several times during those three days, she'd simply say that she was "doing O.K.", but that was about all she'd say.  As several months went by and we talked on the phone, the subject of my being gay didn't come up very much unless I purposely brought it up.  Each time I asked how she was doing, she again would say she was "doing O.K."  By this time, I had learned that Jim was the one who was having problems with my letter and the fact that I was gay.  Jim and I never talked or saw each other while I was in Virginia, and I never spoke to him on the phone until early May (two months ago -- more on that later).

Mike "Comes Out" to His Business Partners, Fearing He'll Lose His Business

In December of last year, I told my business partner, George, and his wife, Laurie.  They took the news extremely well, and, after I finished telling them, George told me that they were perfectly O.K. with it since they had already been through this "coming out" thing before when years earlier, his younger brother told his family that he was gay.  In fact, his family has worked through it so well, they invite his brother's partner to all the family gatherings and his partner is treated like one of the family.  Some families can do this, some cannot.

In January, I told my other business partner, Donald.  Donald and his family are Mormons, and the Mormon Church takes a very hard line against homosexuality.  So, naturally, I was VERY worried about his reaction.  However, he quickly told me that he was also O.K. with it, that he had thought I might be gay several years ago, and he decided then that it didn't bother him if I was.  So, now that George has resigned from our company due to his wife's illness, it' s just Donald and myself who are owners of our company.  And, so far, everything is working just fine.

Mike Tells His Second Sister -- And Loses The First

As you know, in May (two months ago), Teresa and Jim came down to help finish Dad's new workshop.  Well, I had planned to come home to help (I had even bought a ticket) and I had NO plans of telling you or Dad that I was gay that weekend, but I had decided it was time to tell Lynn.  Lynn had finished nursing school and was successfully working, so there was no reason not to tell her (other than the risk she might "blab" to you and Dad).  I discussed this over with Teresa, and we both agreed at that time that it would be best if I waited until the last day of the Memorial Day trip to tell Lynn (so as not to distract her and the rest of us from the task of getting Dad's workshop finished).  Well, in mid-May, I found an airline special to fly to Texas which would save me hundreds of dollars off the normal fare.  So, I jumped at the chance to go see David in Texas. The only twist to the trip was that to make use of the offer, I had to fly from Phoenix to your city, and then from there to Texas.  Well, it was like someone above was telling me to tell Lynn then instead of waiting until Memorial Day.  So, I wrote Lynn an eight-page letter, attached the 12-page letter I sent to Teresa, and I Fed-Ex'd them to a Fed-Ex office there.  I called Lynn the night before and told her I had a package that I had sent home, that she had to pick it up at 9:00 a.m., that she had to call me once she received it so I could complete some details (so I'd be sure she'd read it), and that she couldn't tell you or Dad about it.  I told her it had to do with calculating your taxes or finances or something.  In the beginning of the letter, I told her that I would be arriving at the airport at 1:00 p.m. that day and that I would love to see her there during my layover if she was willing to meet me after reading the letters.  Well, again, to my surprise, she was waiting for me when I got off the plane.  We talked for about an hour, and she appeared to really take the news well, although she said she was quite surprised to read the letter.  She said she had suspected it many times, but that it was somehow "different" once she had read it on paper.

Anyway, after that hour, I flew on to Texas.  The next night, I called Lynn and we must have talked for about three hours.  It was GREAT!  There were no more secrets between us, and she seemed to accept me fully and completely!  I never dreamed she would do as well as she did!  Well, unfortunately, I had completely forgotten to call Teresa to "warn" her that I was planning to tell Lynn earlier than we had agreed.  Lynn called Teresa, who was caught off guard.  And, to make matters worse, the day I flew home and then to Texas was the same morning that Teresa had her gallbladder removed.  To say that Teresa was upset with me is the understatement of the year!  And, I can't blame her for being mad, but I was just caught up in the rush to get my ticket, write the letter to Lynn, pack for the trip and get to the airport, that I completely forgot what was going on with Teresa.

Well, that same night that I called Lynn, I later called Teresa's house to see how she was doing.  Jim answered the phone and told me Teresa was in bed and couldn't come to the phone.  So, I said O.K., and was planning to get off the phone.  But, Jim said to me "I understand from Teresa that you've been wanting to talk to me before we all go to your parents' home for Memorial Day."  I said "Yes, I wanted to talk to you so that we can hopefully get over any awkwardness we may have since I sent my letter to Teresa."  Well, Teresa had warned me that Jim wanted to tell me his "Plan of Salvation", and suddenly, Jim started doing just that.  Several times, I attempted to discuss a particular point with him, but that just made things worse.  We ended up arguing pretty badly, and he said some really hurtful homophobic things to me.  I told him we were getting nowhere and that we needed to end the call.  He kept saying all this garbage to me, including that since I am now an "enemy of God," I am now also an enemy of his.  And when I heard him say "You know, Mike, I would NEVER let you alone around my children", I said "That's it! Good-bye!" and hung up.  When Lynn told me the next day that Teresa was upset with me about changing my plans about telling Lynn, I wrote Teresa a letter explaining why I had done what I did.  She called me when she received the letter and we had World War III over the telephone.  It was a very unpleasant call, but we eventually calmed down and talked about things more rationally.  By the end of the call, we were very civil to each other, but I know she was still upset with me.  I have not talked with either of them since then.  I decided that we all needed a break from each other.  I have no problems talking to Teresa, but I have absolutely nothing to say to Jim.  I tell you this so you know what is going on between all of us.  As I told Lynn, any problems between me and Jim or me and Teresa are just that -- between ME and THEM.  Lynn is to stay out of them and not get involved.  The same must be true of you.  Everyone is going to have their own reaction to this news and to me, and we have to let them have that reaction.  We will eventually work it out or we will choose not to associate with one another.  Either way, we will all be free to live our lives as we see fit.  And, I won't have to lie any more about who I am.

Mike Continues to "Come Out" to Others

I have also "come out" to two other old friends of mine:  to my friend Pam, who I had lost complete contact with after I moved to my house.  She had apparently called our college about two months ago to see if they had a forwarding address.  The college had your old address and somehow called and got Lynn; then Pam called Lynn and got my number, and then Pam called me -- after talking awhile, she asked "so, anything new going on in your life" and I said "well, yes, there is", and I told her everything.  She said she always "knew", but was just waiting for me to tell her.  I was completely shocked!  We "talk" almost everyday now via email.

I also told my friend Mark L., my best friend from college.  Mark and I also lost contact for about five years after Dad's accident.  About a year ago, he and his wife Cheryl came to Phoenix for a medical conference (Mark is now an emergency room doctor), and they called me.  I went to see them, but I wasn't "out" to anyone at that time.  They came back this year in April for another conference, and I told Mark ten minutes before he and his parents (who had come with them to see my house) left for the airport.  Mark and I spoke by phone the next day and he assured me that we would be friends until one of us died.  So, that also made me feel more confident about all this.

Some people will say, "So you're gay.  That's O.K.  But, do you HAVE to go around telling everyone?!"  Well, yes, I think eventually you do.  If you don't, then the only thing most people will think they know about gays are all those horrible stereotypes that many stupid people talk about when gay people are discussed.  When someone actually finds out a person they know IS gay, they are usually shocked to find that out because very few people fit those common stereotypes.  If more people would "come out of the closet" and be honest about who they are, there would be far fewer problems with being gay, and there'd be a lot less hatred directed towards us.

Confronting the Stereotypes

Speaking of stereotypes, it is extremely important to me that I tell you that I don't "lust" after every man I see, that I don't have sex on my brain 24 hours a day, that I don't go from gay bar to gay bar seeking anonymous sex with strangers, that I don't molest little boys (studies have proven that 98% of molesters are heterosexual), that I don't like to dress up like a woman, that I don't have a strong interest in interior design (you'll see that when you come to visit), that I don't have a great interest in cooking or sharing recipes with others (in fact, I don't know what we are going to do about food when you come to visit -- I don't cook at all!), that I don't walk with a swish, nor with my hands hanging limply.  The plain truth is, I am simply the EXACT SAME person you have always known, except that you now know one more thing about me -- yes, it is a big thing right now, but it's really no big deal.  I am the same person who loves dogs and sports cars, who prefers computers to most sports, who loves to sing when alone (in fact, I am more "in the closet" about that than anything), who loves making chocolate chip cookies during the holidays and watching "It's A Wonderful Life", who likes watching videos/movies at home, who likes traveling to scenic places, who has a zany, smart-ass sense of humor, who likes "fun" surprises (unless played on me---eeeek?) and who hates bigotry of any kind expressed towards other people, whether in a joke or otherwise.  I'm STILL me.  I'm just more honest now than ever!

Although I am gay, I still get up in the morning like everyone else, I go to work (well, I go down the hallway to my "office"), I come home (well, I go the other direction down my hallway), I cook dinner (well, actually, workers at Taco Bell cook my dinner...I just unwrap the tacos and eat...hehehe!) and I talk to my friends on the phone, play on the computer, go out to a restaurant, go to a movie, rent a video or watch TV.  Sure sounds wild and perverted, doesn't it? <sigh>  When David and I get together, it's just more of the same.  We aren't hanging from the chandelier with chains wrapped all over us and leather boots on pouring candle wax on one another.  Nope, that's some "other" group!  Hehehe!

Also, it is VERY important that I tell you that I DO NOT have HIV or AIDS, that David and I got tested before we met face-to-face and have had subsequent tests for additional "insurance" and peace of mind, and that we practice safe sex.  It is very natural for a parent or anyone else to immediately worry about AIDS when someone tells them they are gay.  Lynn and I have discussed this and we both agree, based on the knowledge we both have, that she is more likely to be exposed to HIV as a nurse than I am as a monogamous gay male.  Of course, there are no guarantees in life about anything, as Dad's accident has proven to us all.  But, rest assured, I'm not out there trying to get myself killed off-- I have too much to live for!

Earlier in this letter, I mentioned the emotion of "guilt."  It is VERY important that I stress that you and Dad should in no way think that you did ANYTHING to contribute to my being gay.  Another stereotype of gay people is that they all came from homes where the father was a weak figure and the mother was some sort of over-bearing figure who smothered the son.  Well, that's simply not true, and it's especially not true of our family.  With all the reading I have done, I am convinced that the "cause" for homosexuality is genetic which means we have absolutely no control over it.  Just like there was nothing your parents could have done to keep you from having green eyes or from being left handed, there was nothing you and Dad could do to prevent me from being gay.  Being gay is JUST as normal and natural as being left handed or having brown eyes (like mine) -- the only difference is that it does not occur as often in the general population as being left handed does.  And, like left handedness, it cannot be cured (although there are a few quacks out there making thousands of dollars promising that they can "cure" it).

“In Closing”…Can You Believe It?!? <whew!>

In closing, let me reiterate that I never ever wanted you to have to deal with this issue.  I kept it hidden for as long as I possibly could, and I've done as much research, reading and talking to others as I can to find the best way to go about telling you.  Writing this tremendously long letter, which washes away all the secrets of the last 20 years in one sitting, was the best method I think of.  Since no one can absorb all this information in one sitting, you will have this letter to re-read at a later date, if you can't remember parts that you want to know more about.  Delivering this letter to you at this particular time is the result of a strange set of sudden unplanned circumstances -- your sudden planned trip to Phoenix, my road trip to Texas (which puts me so close to home) and your sudden week-long vacation.  I suspect my announcement will be hard for you for at least a few days, but again, I will do everything I possibly can to lessen the burden.  When we talk, I will also tell you more about that wonderful organization, P-FLAG, which can help you with questions you may have, fears and concerns you may have and where you will find other people in the same situation as you (i.e., finding out they have a gay son or daughter) so you can have someone else to talk to who understands and can offer support.

This time, I plan to call Teresa to let her know that I am telling you, so she will hopefully be available to talk if you want to talk to her.  Lynn, who has been the most helpful, will also be available to help.  She has already told me that she will go down and visit with Dad so that you and I can get away to talk things over, if you are willing.

So, please know that I love you immensely and that whatever initial difficulties may lie ahead for us, we will work through them and we will all be the better for it.

With love,

Mike
 

What has happened since?

Here’s a brief update, as of 06/02/99 (three years later), on some of the individuals referenced in the above letter.
 

Mike’s mother:  Mike’s sister, Lynn, delivered the letter to their mother while she was at the closed office of her employer.  After reading the first page of the 15-page letter, Mike’s mother said to Lynn “oh, I wish Mike were here right now so I could hug him!” to which Lynn replied, “well, Mom, he’s here in town – he’s at my apartment.”  Mike was at the apartment, nervously waiting to hear from his sister Lynn on how things had transpired – only he had forgotten to tell her to call him.  So, when the phone rang in the apartment, he was too nervous to pick it up.  The answering machine came on and Mike heard his mother’s voice say “Hey boy, pick up the phone! You’d better get down here and see me!  I love you very much!”  Mike, in tears, picked up the phone and said that he was on his way.  Thirty minutes later, Mike and his mother hugged and tried to hold back tears as they were joyfully reunited.  Mike’s mother was immediately accepting and understanding, wanting to comfort Mike as he nervously tried to determine how his mother truly felt.  Mike’s mother, who was born and raised in the conservative South and who attended Southern Baptist churches, never flinched for a second.  She assured Mike that he was her son and she didn’t care that he was gay, only that he was happy.  And, he was!  Mike’s parents did make the trip to his home in Phoenix and on one occasion when Mike’s father was napping, Mike and his mother were able to talk at length about his struggle and eventual acceptance that he was gay, and how his life had improved drastically after that acceptance and after being able to “come out” and live an honest and open life.  That was three years ago, and Mike and his mother talk more now than they ever did.  And, they no longer talk about just the weather, Mike’s house or his job.  They talk about his life, his love and all that goes with that – as it should be.  Mike’s respect for his mother has grown one hundred-fold.  This has been a true success story!
 

Mike’s father:  Mike’s father was told by his mother about eight months after she found out.  Mike flew home to talk with his father.  While it wasn’t an easy discussion for Mike to have, it was honest and heart-felt.  Mike’s father, who is disabled, listened and while not saying much, did not reject Mike.  A few months later, Mike and his partner flew back to Mike’s parents’ home and helped them move into a new home.  Mike’s parents and his partner got along great.  Another success story!

Mike’s sister Lynn:  Mike and his sister Lynn, who didn’t have much of a relationship prior to Mike’s “coming out” (Lynn is nine years younger and was only nine when Mike moved away to college), now have a very close relationship.  They talk all the time and visit each other often.  They can now talk about anything and they share all parts of their lives with each other – as it should be between brothers and sisters.  Yet another success story!  [Mike's sister has recently become engaged and Mike and his partner (more on that in a moment) will be attending the September, 2000 wedding back in the South...where most of Mike's extended family will probably learn about Mike for the first time...stay tuned!]

Mike’s sister Teresa:  Sadly, Mike’s sister Teresa has not spoken to Mike since the argument following Mike’s “coming out” to his sister Lynn.  Amazingly, the person Mike thought could handle the news the best, in the end, took the news the worst.  Mike has no contact with this sister, her husband or his two nephews and niece.  Mike is hopeful that one day, they will be able to restore their relationship, but there are many obstacles in front of them at this time.

David (the man Mike was dating at the time the original letter was written):  Mike and David broke up a couple of months after this letter was written.  Just two months after the breakup, Mike met and fell in love with Dan, his life partner (more on that below!).

Mark (Mike’s best male friend from college):  Mike came out to his friend Mark rather abruptly only 10 minutes before Mark, his wife and his parents were leaving Mike’s house.  Mike followed up with an email to Mark to explain why he had “come out” so abruptly (Mike had misinterpreted several comments made by Mike and his wife that day, which lead him to believe they were trying to get him to just admit what they already knew and be done with it).  Mark wrote a beautiful note back explaining that he understood that being gay wasn’t a choice and that Mike’s admission made no difference to their friendship.  Mike and Mark exchanged a few more very positive emails and then, suddenly, Mark just stopped writing.  To this day, Mike has no idea why Mark apparently changed his mind about their friendship.  Mike thinks that Mark was writing what he wanted to feel, but realized later that he had some issues after all. 

Pam (Mike’s best female friend from college):  Mike and Pam’s friendship is still going strong. While they live on opposite coasts, they email often and visit when they can.  Out of all the friendships Mike had that he had distanced himself from over the years, his friendship with Pam is the only one that survived.  Mike now has a new group of close friends that know the “real” him, and he is perfectly happy with them and his cherished friend Pam.
 
 

Dan (Mike's life partner):  Mike met Dan on December 7, 1996 (several months after the above "coming out" letter was written to his mother), and they have been together ever since.  Mike and Dan share their home with Sam, Beau and Lady (two dogs and a cat).  Mike continues to volunteer much of his time to PFLAG Phoenix while Dan volunteers his time leading a Bible "huddle" for the church he and Mike attend.  As far as Mike is concerned, THIS is how life was supposed to be all along!
 

Mike, Dan, Sam and Beau...where is that darn cat?!?

"Beau", Dan, Mike & "Sam" at Christmas, 1997

Awwww...who couldn't love a face like that!?!

Mike & Dan at Phoenix Pride '99

The End – For Now.