Mike Goes to College – His Attraction to Men Grows While He Continues to Try to Deny It

So, about the time Shari P. and I "broke up", near the end of my senior year in high school (I don't remember what reason I gave her -- it must have been pretty lame), I went away to college.  Initially, college life for me was pure hell.  I didn't know anyone, I felt like I didn't belong there with those people, and, of course, there were those public showers in the dormitory to deal with!  Eeeeeek!  I actually had to get naked in front of someone!  Talk about nervous -- I remember that me and my first roommate, Tommy F. (who was just as scared of those showers as I was) waited until we heard the showers turned off (luckily, our room was right next to the shower room).  Then, either he or I (never both of us at the same time!) would hurry to the shower room, undress, take a quick shower and run back to our room.  Then the other one would go.  We did this for a long time during that first year of college!  Of course, on many occasions, we were "surprised" by someone else who lived on our floor who would show up to shower just after we had started showering.  We always hated that, but being "macho" guys, we never spoke about it.

Now, you may think that this would have been just heaven for a gay male, showering naked with other guys.  But, at this time, I thought my only attraction was to *photos* of nude men.  I thought that maybe I just desired to have the same muscular physiques that many of them had.  I didn't get "excited" to see other guys naked in the shower, although I certainly wasn't complaining to anyone either if I got to "sneak a peek."  But, there was never anything "sexual" about it on my part at that time.

Of course, I also had opportunities to date several women while I was in college.  But, with the exception of a few bad decisions to go ahead and take someone out on a date, I pretty much avoided it as much as possible.  It was during my second or third year in college that I "accidentally" discovered a gay male magazine in a convenience store magazine rack.  It took me a long time to get my courage up to buy it, but I finally did.  Just as with the few Playgirl magazines I had bought earlier, I was also excited to see the nude male guys in the gay magazines.  The difference though was that the gay magazines also had fictional stories of gay sex.  Now, I don't want you to think we are going to talk in detail about sex, because we are not going to.  However, for you to completely understand my "journey" to my own acceptance, I figure you want to know how I "progressed".  Well, reading these stories in gay magazines helped me fantasize about sex (which, so far, I had never had -- in case that wasn't clear by now).  I had never fantasized about having sex with women, although I had wondered what it would be like.  I couldn't figure out what was "wrong" with me -- why wasn't I attracted to women like everyone else?  I didn't WANT to have sex with men (at that time)...but I did like fantasizing about having sex with men.  Now, that may sound "perverted" to you in some way, but for a gay person who doesn't yet know he's gay, it's very natural. (O.K., enough of the s-e-x talk for awhile -- take a breather!)

Life After College -- Failed Friendships, Avoidance of Dating

So, I continued buying gay magazines through the remainder of my college years (not that many, of course, because I was, after all, a poor college student -- sniff, sniff).  After graduation from college, I discovered that there were gay videos in some of the video stores.  It really took me a long time to get my courage up to watch one of those, but when I finally rented one, I was extremely excited to watch one.  I had seen a "straight" video before, but it hadn't appealed to me at all.  Again, I couldn't understand why I didn't enjoy seeing a woman having sex -- I thought all men were supposed to enjoy that.

So, that became my "secret life" -- occasionally renting a gay video or buying a gay magazine to look at.  Basically, I just did that when I was bored to death and had nothing else to do.  As you know, after graduation from college, I moved back to our hometown where I worked-for about three years before moving to Arizona.  During those three years, I had three good friendships:  Cindy B., the woman I worked with at my job, and Andy C. and Pam F., both college friends.

I guess you probably wondered if Cindy and I ever dated since we spent so much time together.  Cindy may have had an interest in me early on into our friendship, but I never picked up on it if she did.  My friendship with her was, again, a period of freedom and independence.  My college years had been uneventful since I didn't have much money to spend (but, no one else did either, so that wasn't unusual), so going places and doing things with Cindy, who was always ready and willing to eat out, go to a movie or a concert was one of the most fun times I have had.  Unfortunately, several months prior to my getting the job in Arizona, Cindy and I had a falling out.  We had just grown tired of each other, I think.  She was several years older, I was immature and she was increasingly sarcastic and insulting to me.  So, I decided to distance myself from her.  I later learned that she had told others in the office that she thought I might be gay.  This made me furious and I never spoke to her again...even until this day (of course, I don't know where she is now that the company we worked for then has moved to another city -- I'd actually like to patch things up with her one day, if possible).

Andy and I weren't really that great of friends.  Other than eating out, an occasional movie and playing tennis together, we didn't share many interests.  We simply would hang out together because neither of us knew anyone else back home (or from college who had moved to our hometown).  As you know, I continued to visit with Andy on many occasions when I would come home to see you and Dad after I moved to Arizona.  However, a few years ago, Andy insulted me greatly (although he did it indirectly, I think) when the subject of "gays in the military" was being debated on TV one night when we were in a restaurant/bar.  He made sure he told me that "we don't want 'those kind' in our army", but of course I remained silent for fear of revealing my "secret" which I'm sure he already suspected since I never dated any women and he was always talking about wanting to date this girl or that girl.  Anyway, even though I didn't think of myself as a gay person at that time, I was still deeply offended and I felt he intended that I "get" his pointed comments.  So, after that night, I never contacted him again.  And, funny thing, he never called me again either.  We just let our friendship drop.

Pam and I also became good friends once she moved to our hometown.  As you know, we spent a lot of time together also.  Once again, it was just a "buddy" friendship on my part.  She was seriously dating a guy she thought she was going to marry (although he lived several hours away which is the reason we were able to go and do things together so often).  In the last year that I lived there, he suddenly broke up with her and we really spent a lot of time together doing things.  She later started dating her manager from work, and today they have been married 10 years.

Mike Moves to Arizona -- "Stress" Begins to Build

Then, I got my job in Arizona.  For the first two years, I spent most of my free time traveling to many cities in the West with the two other people, Billy and Joan, who had been recruited from the same company I left back home.  We went many places together before Billy's wife finally moved out to Phoenix once our consulting jobs looked more permanent.  Once she arrived, Billy couldn't do as much socially, so Joan and I would go to restaurants, movies, etc. and occasionally, we'd take a platonic trip somewhere.  She was always "on guard" with me, but I could never figure out why she was distant.  I finally figured she must be a lesbian (she also was friends with a lesbian that worked where we did in Phoenix).  I didn’t know the lesbian personally, nor did I know of anyone who was gay or lesbian at this time in my life.

As you know, Joan and I went to Hawaii back in January, 1990 (just before Dad's accident).  What you didn't know though, was that the trip to Hawaii was Joan's "gift" to me (no, we each paid our own way) for standing by her during the previous five months.  See, Joan had been secretly dating Billy (yes, the married man) for several years, but no one knew -- including me!  She had started acting very weird at work, withdrawing from everyone and missing quite a few days.  We had no idea what was going on with her.  Finally, one day, she came to my apartment and said "I have something to tell you".  Well, she told me that she and Billy had been having an affair since when they both worked with me back home, and that she had recently learned she was pregnant (gee, this is getting better than a soap opera, isn't it?)!!!  Although I wasn't too thrilled to learn that I had been deceived by them for those past two years, and that she had basically "used" me as her "cover" so that it would appear that she was dating me (and not a married man who she constantly hung around), I put all that aside and told her I would stand by her and support her through her pregnancy.  (See, you taught your son to do the right thing, and I did!)

Well, to make this awful long story shorter, all hell broke out when she told Billy she was pregnant.  Billy confessed to his wife and she went berserk!  So, my role became one of "protector" of Joan.  I and two other women at work who knew Joan was pregnant started keeping a constant watch at work to see if Billy's wife was going to show up.  We told absolutely no one what was happening.  Also, Joan got VERY depressed and suicidal when Billy told her he wasn't going to leave his wife as promised.  So, I got more and more stressed about her situation.  Well, by Christmas, most of it had blown over -- Billy's wife left him temporarily and went back to the South (no more having to "guard" Joan at work), and Joan then had a miscarriage.  Through it all, I stood by her and supported her as a friend (even though I didn't like this situation she had put me in at all).  So, she offered to go to Hawaii with me (because I had wanted to go due to my interest in photography) as a "thank you" -- so we went.  It turned out to be the worst trip of my life.  Midway through the trip, I came down with a case of shingles, if you remember.  Since shingles is caused by stress, I attribute half of it to the stress I was under regarding Joan's situation.  (Before I explain the other half of the cause of my stress, let me tell you quickly that just two months later, I caught Billy and Joan sneaking around together again -- once I saw that, I dropped her as a friend and I never spoke to either of them again, even though we worked in the same office for the remainder of the time I worked there.  I felt I could never trust her again, and I sure as hell wasn't going down that path twice, just to be used again by both of them.)

Stress Continues to Overwhelm

The other half of the stress when I got shingles was caused by my trip home just days before in December, 1989.  The reason I was so stressed was that I had been away from home for a long time by then, and I was coming home to face everyone (you, Dad, Lynn, Teresa and her husband and children).  What I have to explain here is that already by then, I was feeling the pressure of carrying around a "secret."  All it took was for someone to casually ask me "so, are you dating anyone", and I would almost have an anxiety attack on the spot.  I could feel my face get flush red, my heart would start beating wildly and my body temperature would rise instantly.  I was always sure that this had to be a dead giveaway to the person who asked that I was "freaking out" in response to that simple question.  At other times, even when the subject never came up, I was still on edge thinking that at any moment, any of you could/would ask me that question.  If memory serves, you never really asked me that question.  Teresa did rarely, but I could almost always count on Lynn to ask me before the first day had passed. In more recent years, Lynn would usually hold off until the last day, but she still asked almost every time (I think I remember one visit, the one when you and Dad moved into your current house, when I made it all the way through without anyone asking me).  I'm sure this all sounds crazy to you, but for someone who was "in the closet", who was struggling with feelings he didn't understand and, at that time, thought it was shameful to have those kinds of feelings, it makes perfect sense.

And, it wasn't long after that Christmas in 1989 when I started noticing that I was getting those same "anxiety attack" feelings whenever we talked on the phone.  I can remember that horrible day when Dad's accident occurred and I had to fly back home which wound up taking me all day to get there AND not knowing whether Dad was alive or dead since I couldn't get anyone to answer a phone there.  While I was terrified that Dad was going to die once I got there, I also immediately had those anxiety attack feelings the moment I entered the trauma waiting room and saw all those family members and friends sitting there.  That was the WORST day of my life in so many ways!  And, of course, since you and I camped out there in the trauma waiting room for those three and a half weeks, I was on edge the complete time I was there.  I know it sounds horrible to "complain" that I was going through a bad time while Dad was fighting for his life and you were trying to keep your sanity, but it's the truth, and it's part of my "journey."  I tell you now only so that you can understand that I have struggled with this for years, regardless of whatever else, good or bad, was going on in my life.

Mike Tries To Isolate Himself From The World

So, the years between Dad's accident in 1990 up to the time I left my consulting job in early 1995 are pretty much a blur to me.  I eventually avoided everyone.  I cut off all contact with my old college friends and friends I had made in Phoenix.  The chance of "discovery" was just too great for me, and a risk I could not accept.  So, how did I keep my own sanity during those years?  Well, I spent much of it working tremendous overtime hours, and I took weekend trips by myself to shoot photography (in the earlier years).  I watched tons of "regular" videos from Blockbuster (since you'd never catch me at a movie theater in public where I might run into someone I knew who might ask why I wasn't out on a date, or why I was alone, or some silly thing like that), and I watched a helluva lot of TV.  I bought a lot of take-out food, and I ate at home, alone, every day and every night.  I became a hermit.  I started to fit the description of one of those "loner's" you hear about on TV, the ones who shoot up a McDonald's and kill lots of innocent people.  The only difference between me and those loner's though, was that I was completely normal in every other aspect of my life except when it came to my interaction with people I knew.

I'm sure I should have been in therapy to deal with all this -- in fact, over the years, I tried numerous times to talk to a therapist about this.  When I first started to question whether I could even be gay or not in college, I wanted to talk to a campus therapist -- but the risk for me was just too great, so I didn't.  A month or two before leaving home to move to Arizona, a fairly new male friend of mine at work told me he was gay -- I freaked out completely, distanced myself from him immediately, and went to see the company therapist.  I told him how freaked out I was that a friend had told me he was gay, but that I was also concerned that I might be gay too.  I don't remember what he discussed with me, but he was absolutely no help at all.  The following month, I got my job in Arizona.  I moved and put it out of my head (again, we call this denial).  And, one time in Phoenix, probably soon after that fiasco with Joan, I went to a psychologist in Phoenix who supposedly "specialized" in dealing with "sexual orientation" issues.  Well, I explained my "problem" to him, and told him that I thought I *might* be gay.  His recommendation:  I was just uncomfortable in social situations, and I should join an activity club so I could find women to date.  Well, I went about four times to see him and tried to convince him that "dating" wasn't my problem.  He never seemed to hear me, so I quit going.  So, once again, I put the whole issue out of my head, I continued avoiding contact with people I knew, and I just somehow survived by myself.

Mike Finally Begins to Confront the Truth

That brings me to January, 1995, when I finally left that my consulting position here in Phoenix.  After I left, I had all the free time I wanted, so I began playing on my computer.  It wasn't too long that I discovered that there are "chat" rooms on different computer services where you can talk to other people and you can be completely anonymous.  I started exploring these, and MUCH to my amazement (and relief), I discovered that there were "rooms" (the computer term for an area devoted to a specific subject) devoted to gay people.  So, at first, I just watched the discussions that other people were having (in these "rooms", you can see what is called a "public" chat or you can actually talk to someone in a "private" room where only you and that person can see what is typed).  Anyway, the more I watched these live discussions, the more I learned.  Unfortunately, many people were out there simply looking for fast, promiscuous sex with someone else who was willing.  That is NOT what I wanted to do, so I simply avoided those people.  I simply wanted to "talk" to people who were dealing with the same feelings and confusion that I was.  Fortunately, I found plenty of them to talk to.

At the same time, I also discovered that there were books on the subject of "being gay", and I got up the courage to go into a bookstore and buy one.  It was an amazing time for me.  Suddenly, and for the first time, I *identified* with other people -- I was NOT the ONLY person in the world who felt this way!  I couldn't believe it!!  Well, I couldn't get enough information.  I spent hundreds of dollars on computer time speaking to others about being gay, "coming out", dealing with parent's reactions, telling friends, dealing with co-workers and bosses, etc.  It was the most enlightening time for me! And, I stopped feeling so weird about myself.

The Moment of Truth -- Mike Meets Another Gay Man

After months of talking to others on the computer, I finally got the courage up to talk to several of these people on the phone.  Some were really nice people; others were weird once I got them on the phone.  After awhile, I decided I needed to try a "date" to find out, once and for all, if I WAS gay or if I was just some very confused man who was attracted to photos of males for some very odd reason.  Going on that date was a very scary and difficult thing for me to do.  But, I simply had no choice. At the age of 32, I couldn't stand not knowing the answer to the question that had been burning so painfully in me since I started college:  "Am I gay, or not?!?"  So, I went out on a "date" with someone I had talked to for several months on the computer and by phone.  Well, it wasn't exactly what I expected, and, to be completely honest, I wasn't really that attracted to the person that I went out with, but I wasn't turned off by any means either.

However, I knew that I wasn't simply out looking for sex with someone -- I knew that I wanted more than that, only I had no idea what "more" meant.  I started wondering "could I ever fall in love with another MAN??? ... How could that be possible?  I have never had a "crush" on a man like I have had on a woman.  Of course, I've never fantasized about having sex with a woman, but I have fantasized about it with men.  Will I EVER figure all this out???"  Well, yes, I am happy to report that I have figured it out.  In June of 1995, I met another person on the computer.  We really hit it off because we were EXACTLY in the same place as far as trying to figure out who we were, what we wanted and what all this meant.  His name is David, and we started dating a month after we met on the computer.  Like I said earlier, he lives in Texas, so we don't get to see each other but maybe once a month.  We have both spent a fortune on computer time costs, on phone bills, and on plane tickets, but we have dated exclusively for almost 14 months now.  He is honest, a good person and he is someone I know you would like very much (once you have worked through that range of emotions that I mentioned earlier).  However, I am in NO WAY encouraging you to meet him.  I know that something like that will take time, and I'm not rushing anyone.  And, of course, just like any heterosexual couple, there is no guarantee that we will last.  But, I am happy to have found him, and I hope given time, you will be happy for me.

I don't want to tell you too much about him in this letter, because I want to keep this focused on me and you, but I will tell you quickly that he just had back surgery last month for two herniated disks he got from helping a neighbor move a washing machine.  His parents flew down to spend a month with him as he recuperated.  While here, he "came out" to both of them.  They were somewhat shocked, and they quickly got very quiet about it and no one discussed it for a few weeks.  Then, David asked his parents to attend one of those P-FLAG meetings with him, which they did -- reluctantly.  Well, that P-FLAG meeting made all the difference in the world to his parents.  After that meeting, they were finally able to discuss it more openly.  And, David's parents just left about two weeks ago (that's when I arrived -- a few hours after they left, to help David finish his recuperation), they flew back to their hometown where his mother told David's four sisters that he is gay.  She has even asked his sisters to attend the next P-FLAG meeting near their home with her.  So, things are looking good for David and his family.  That is not to say that they won't have to struggle with this some more -- they will.  But, at least they are able to discuss it now -- it's no longer a taboo subject with them as it was at first.  And, that's what I'm hoping will happen with you given some time.

Mike Discovers The Feelings He Had Long Felt He Should Have

Now, quickly before I proceed to the next topic, remember when I stated earlier that I had dated all those girls in high school and wound up kissing many of them, but while doing so I secretly wondered to myself "how long do I have to keep doing this?"  Well, I didn't have that feeling at all when I kissed a man.  For me, it was what I was supposed to feel when other guys kiss girls.  And, I'm sure you are smart enough to figure the rest.  The point here is that finally, I was doing what was *natural* for me.  It wasn't perverted, it wasn't gross and it wasn't unnatural in any way, shape or form.  This is what God intended for me to do.  I fully believe that God intended for me to be gay which means loving another man instead of a woman.  I know many will dispute what God's "intent" is, but I can only speak from my personal experience.  Of course, I haven't figured out WHY God wanted me to be gay, but I'm sure there is an answer somewhere.  I'm still searching.

O.K., moving on.  I know that this letter is already overwhelming to read just to reach this point, but I am confessing almost a lifetime of secrecy, so it takes awhile.  I apologize for that.  I don't know any other way to get all this information to you.  I DO feel it's important that you understand all that I am telling you so that you and I can move forward.  Next topic.

Part III:  Mike Begins "Coming Out", Experiencing Successes and Failures Along The Way, And Eventually Comes Out To His Mother...Plus, An Update On What Has Happened Since This Letter!