[The following is a slightly abbreviated version of Mike's original letter to his mother.  Mike wrote this letter at age 33.  Due to other circumstances involving his father's health, Mike had decided to only tell his mother at this time.  His father would be told at a later date.  Mike made arrangements with his sister, Lynn, to deliver the letter to his mother while she was away from home without his father present.  The circumstances involving his father are not included in this abbreviated version of his letter.  Also, some names have been changed to ensure the privacy of the individuals referenced.  Topic headings have also been added to help guide you through the letter.  At the end, Mike provides a brief update on what has happened since.]
 

07/28/96

Dear Mom,

I'm sure you are surprised to be getting a letter from me like this "out of the blue."  Although you know I am occasionally fond of "surprises", I am not particularly excited about this one.  That is because I hadn't planned on talking to you about the things below for probably quite some time.  But, that was before you and Dad told me you were planning to come visit me in Phoenix in October.  [Mike had lived in Arizona for 8 years at this point and this would be his parents' first visit there.]  And, that was before I "accidentally" found out yesterday that you pretty much had this coming week off from work.  Both of these situations combined led me to write to you today.

I hope that you are looking forward to your trip to Phoenix as much as I am.  I've wanted for so long for you and Dad to visit me here and to see all the wonderful scenery that Arizona has, not to mention my house and all the photography that I have hanging on my walls which I am really proud of.  However, I've been under the misconception for many years that Dad simply could not fly on an airplane given the level of his disabilities.  That's why I've never offered to fly the two of you out here myself!  And, I knew first-hand that the 24-hour drive out to Phoenix was particularly grueling, and I didn't think Dad could handle that much better either.

Keeping My Distance (Part I)-- the "Secondary" Reason

But, another part of the reason why I hadn't encouraged both of you to come visit me before was that, before now, I don't think I was quite ready for the two of you to come and visit me.  As I'm sure you are painfully aware, I have been somewhat distant from you two for quite awhile.  I have kept my visits home to about once a year or longer.  I haven't called home very often at all.  When you two have called, sometimes I haven't talked for long before saying that I have to go for one reason or another.  And, a number of times, I haven't returned calls left on my answering machine when you didn't specifically ask me to call you back.  You aren't the only ones that I have done this to.  I've done the same to Teresa and Lynn [Mike's sisters] also.  In fact, for a long, long time, I did it to everyone I know including all my old friends from college, my friends there back home and to friends in Phoenix.  It just seemed for a long, long time that I wanted to avoid the world and everyone in it.

My reasons for doing this are many.  With respect to you and Dad, Teresa and Lynn, part of the reason was that I found it difficult to talk to you all since I usually found myself somewhat depressed and filled with worry after talking to any of you.  You see, since Dad's accident back in 1990, life has obviously changed drastically for you and Dad.  Both of you have had to face many problems that most people will never face in their lifetime.  As your kids, Teresa, Lynn and I worry a lot about the stress you both are under as you continue to try to cope with Dad's disabilities, with your finances, with the building of your house and other things linked to that.  We worry that you are stressing yourself out completely as you fulfill the role of Dad's caregiver alone while trying to work two jobs and trying to get Dad's case settled.  We worry, in particular to you, that your health will suffer as a result of all the stress.

I don't think you should really be surprised that we worry about all this stuff.  If the roles were reversed and one of us kids had been the one disabled instead of Dad, and, assuming we all were married and living away from home, you would worry the same for us.  So, the worry is something that is very natural for us all.  The feelings of depression over the whole thing result from the feelings of helplessness that we each feel from time to time.  We all want to help improve your situation in some way, to ease the stress, to lessen your burdens, but we all feel powerless to help.  We've exhausted our ideas of how to help.  Unless you ask for some specific kind of help, we don't know what to do.  And, when we hear that you are faced with another burden of some sort, it just makes us feel even more helpless.

So, by keeping trips home to a minimum, and by keeping phone calls to a minimum, I found that I could lower my level of worry and depression about the whole situation.  That, of course, is not the solution to the problem, but that's what I found myself doing despite myself.  Of course, I didn't tell anyone that this is what I was doing, and actually, I'm not sure that I was fully conscious that I was doing it either.  It's not like I decided one morning, "Hey, today, I think I'll just stop calling my parents and sisters, and stop visiting any of them."  It just seemed to happen more and more over time, especially following times when something "bad" was going on there back home.

Keeping My Distance (Part II) -- the Truth (and Mike) Comes Out

But, while I feel it is important that I explain all of that to you so you know where I'm coming from, it's not the complete story.  The truth is that there has been a larger, more compelling reason why I began avoiding you and Dad, Teresa, Lynn and all of my friends.  As the years have gone by, I had become increasing uncomfortable being around other people.  Fortunately for me, I have been working hard this past year and a half at resolving the problems that I've had.  And, I'm happy to report that I am doing MUCH better now, and that I've almost stopped this avoidance thing.  But, I haven't stopped it completely.  And that is the real reason I am writing you today.

During the past year and a half, I have been reexamining my life.  I started this process shortly after I left that company I was contracted to in Phoenix that I worked for from 1988 to the first part of 1995.  Before I left there, I decided I would take a nice extended break from work whenever they decided they no longer needed my consulting services.  I had saved enough money to take a long break, so I thought "why not?"  What I hadn't planned on though was that once I had all that time off work, I would begin to realize just how empty my life was.  I had long been avoiding friends back then, so I had no social life to speak of.  I had worked a lot of hours during my years in Phoenix, and I found suddenly that I had no outside interests anymore.  Even photography, which I truly loved to do as a hobby before Dad's accident, didn't give me the thrill that it once did.

Deep down inside, I knew there were some issues that I had that I wasn't facing or dealing with.  I knew that I couldn't take off from working forever, so if I was ever going to face and deal with these issues, that was the time to do it.  So, I started reading.  I started examining who I was, where I was in life, and where I wanted to be.  I got on my computer and used it to talk to other individuals which really helped me a lot.  And, I continued reading.  After months of self-therapy, extensive reading, and talking to others, I slowly began to face the fact that I am gay.  I know that you have had suspicions about this in the past [Mike learned later that his mother had not had any suspicions], and I hope you aren't completely shocked now that I am finally confirming this.  I also know, based on all the reading that I have done regarding parents' reactions to learning that one of their children is gay, that you will probably be deeply hurt by this news.

I want you to know first and foremost that I love you so much that it tears my heart out thinking that I am causing you any additional pain and grief.  I'm already choking with emotion as I write this just thinking how you may feel right now.  You've been through so much in your life that I don't want to burden you with anything else.  And, given all that is currently happening with you and Dad, I hate that I have to tell you now as opposed to some "better" time.  But, I cannot wait any longer to tell you the truth.

There are so many things I need to tell you in this letter.  I need to explain why I have decided to tell you about this now as opposed to that "better" time I had hoped for.  I need to tell you about how I came to accept the fact that I am gay.  I need to tell you things about my teenage years and adulthood which will help explain some of the "mystery" surrounding my here-to-date secretive "private" life.  I need to tell you what it means to me to be gay, and to "educate" you about the common stereotypes about gays that aren't true.  I need to tell you about the reactions of Teresa, Jim and Lynn to my news (I told them before telling you so that I could ask for their advice about telling you and Dad -- I also asked them to promise me that they would keep my secret until I was ready to tell you and Dad, so please don't be mad at them --they were part of my self-therapy, and I needed their promise and support).  I need to tell you of my concerns about telling Dad, and I need from you, more than anyone, your advice on whether I should tell him or not.  And, most of all, I need to tell you again how much I love you and how this hurts me so much to have to make you "deal" with something else.

Fortunately, I also know that you won't have to "deal" with it forever -- if that were the case, I probably would have tried to keep it a secret forever from you so as not to hurt you.  But, based on all the research and reading that I have done, and after talking to numerous people who have gone through this experience of "coming out" (in case you don't know, that refers to "coming out of the closet" which is what I am doing with you today), I know that you will probably be just fine with it given some time to process all the information I am going to tell you and make available to you.  I doubt you believe that today as you read this letter for the first time, but I know it for fact.  And I wouldn't lie to you about that.  In fact, as of today, I don't have to lie to you about anything else.  Today, you get to meet the son that you thought you knew, who is just as good and moral as the one you thought you knew, who really IS STILL the son you know, but who is also gay, and who is also happy for the first time since high school.

Mike Starts the Education Process -- Explaining Typical Reactions from Parents

Before I tell you all those things I need to tell you about, I want first to explain to you the feelings you may already be experiencing.  That sounds kind of funny, doesn't it.  You're reading this letter, but I'm going to tell you how you are feeling.  Well, it's not as crazy as it sounds.  I've read numerous books on this topic, and have talked to numerous parents who have children who are gay.  They all agree that there is usually a range of emotions that a parent goes through when one of their children tells them they are gay.  Some say they went through this range of emotions over a very short period, a few days, a few weeks or a few months.  Some say it took them longer.  Some are still working on them.  Some said they didn't experience all of these emotions, but only several or one or two.  But, all agreed that it definitely got a lot easier with the passage of just a little time -- and after a little reading and talking to other parents in the same "boat."  The emotions can include an initial shock, disbelief, grief, depression, anger, processing and finally acceptance.  Of course, there are some parents who just can't deal with it at all, who "disown" their children immediately and, sometimes, throw them out on the street if they happen to be young enough to still be living at home.  I'm fairly confident that you won't feel that harshly about all this, but I wish I could say I didn't have any concerns.  I wish there was a magic pill I could give you which would let you bypass this process of coming to terms with me being gay, but unfortunately, there is no magic pill.  But, I will be there, if you allow me, to answer every question, to put aside every fear, and to erase any ounce of guilt you may feel (which is also common, but unnecessary -- you and Dad never did anything wrong!!!).

Many of the parents I've spoken with, and the books I've read, all said that getting this news was similar to experiencing the death of a child, which I understand is supposed to be the greatest pain there is.  They say it's like a death because, suddenly, all the dreams that a parent had for their child (e.g., growing up to be successful in their careers, to find a loving mate (a wife in my case) to live their life with, and to have children of their own) "die" because a gay person supposedly can't fulfill that dream for their parents.  These parents tell me that each of them had to learn first that their original dreams were really selfish dreams.  Their dreams never incorporated the wishes and desires of what their children wanted -- it only served the parent's interests.  So, they had to learn to let go of that dream.  Then, they had to figure out just who their gay child was.  After all, their child was gay -- they couldn't be the same person that they thought they knew before.  But, given time and self-education, they came to realize that their child was indeed the same person, only things made much more sense now that they knew the "full" story.  They understood the earlier distance between them and that particular child.  They discovered that their gay child could still be a moral and respectful person.  They discovered that not much was really different from the child they used to know other than the fact that there was a new "openness" to that child.  Given time, you will come to know these same things.

I guess you wonder how I've been able to talk to so many parents about this subject.  It's simple:  through my research and reading, I discovered a support group for the parents and friends of lesbian and gay people.  I finally got up the courage to attend a meeting myself.  It was WONDERFUL!!  Finally, there was a group of people who knew exactly what I was going through (i.e., trying to accept that I was gay and trying to figure out how to tell my family).  I have been going to their monthly meetings since last October, and haven't missed one until last week.  In fact, they (the small group of parents who are in charge of the Phoenix chapter) just asked me to begin getting more involved with their group and I am overjoyed that they have asked me.  You see, even though I think this group is wonderful in that they primarily support parents and friends of someone gay, I want to help them improve it even more so that when other parents or friends need support and information, the group will be there to help them even more than I've been helped.  I like to think of it as my effort to improve the Phoenix group which will somehow help the groups in other cities, including the one back home where you are.  The group is called P-FLAG which stands for Parents, family and Friends of Lesbians And Gays.  I'll tell you more about this group later in this letter.

Why Tell Now?

Now, back to all those things I need to tell you today.  First, let me explain more clearly why I am finally telling this to you today.  When I first discussed with Teresa and Lynn the possibility of telling just you or both you and Dad, the three of us agreed that now was not the best time.  The main reason is that we all felt you were already under enough stress and pressure from holding down your two jobs, worrying about your finances, caring for Dad, and trying to get Dad's case going.  We all agreed that the only thing in that list that was likely to change was that at least the case would be settled at some point.  So, I pretty much decided to try to wait at least until then.  However, everything changed for me two weeks ago when you told me that you and Dad had decided to come visit me.  I was very excited to learn Dad COULD fly on an airplane with his level of disabilities and that you were both coming to visit, but it didn't take long for all my worry to set back in about what questions you might ask me while in Phoenix.  Simple questions like "so, are you dating anyone?"  You'll never know, but that simple question has always immediately filled me with tremendous anxiety whenever anyone asked.  That's because I have always been afraid that someone would discover my "secret" when I tried to give them an answer.  And that discovery has been my biggest fear for years.  Even before I ever figured out that I was indeed gay.

Now that I've accepted myself for who I am, the last thing I want to do is lie to anyone any more.  And that includes you and Dad.  However, I was fully prepared to continue the "lie" as long as necessary so that I didn't tell you and Dad during one of the more stressful times.  But, the more I thought about spending five days alone with you and Dad (something the three of us have never done as adults), the more panic set in.  So, I started thinking about writing you a letter and mailing it to you, just as I had done to Teresa and Lynn (more about that later).  It has really never been a question of IF I would ever tell at least you, although I don't know IF I will ever tell Dad (I need your advice before deciding whether to do that or not).  No, the question of telling you was only about WHEN it would take place.  After all, I am now a 33 year old single male who no one has seen or heard of dating anyone for many years.  Just how long could I expect to get away with this "gee, I just work all the time and have no time for dating" excuse?  Would I be a 40 year old single male before anyone really figured it out?  Would I be a 50 year old single male before anyone figured it out?  The point is, sooner or later, everyone would figure this out -- especially if I actually did start dating someone seriously, which I am.

In fact, it is because of the fact that I am now dating someone AND the fact that I found out "by accident" that you were off work all this coming week that made me decide that there would be no better time between now and your trip to Phoenix in October to tell you.  You see, the person I am dating lives in Texas.  We have been dating exclusively for almost 14 months.  His name is David.  It just so happens that the night you called me to confirm that you had gotten your tickets to Phoenix, I was packing to drive to Texas to visit him for two weeks.  So, when I called Lynn the other night, she casually mentioned that your boss was going to the Olympics and that he'd given you the week off with pay (lucky you!).  Although I'm sure you'd much prefer to rest during this week, there simply would be no better time to tell you this since you won't have to worry about dealing with any initial emotions you may have while also trying to work every day.  Realistically, there just is no "good" time to tell you, but this is the best time between now and October.  So, I hope you'll eventually be able to forgive me for messing up your planned relaxation this week.  Also, since I'm currently in Texas and only about 6-7 hours away by car, I can drive there to talk with you face-to-face so that we can discuss this and hopefully get past that initial awkward stage that follows a letter like this.  (I've already spoken to Lynn and I will stay at her apartment.)

What's Wrong With Me?  Why Don't I Feel Attracted to Women?

So, how did I finally come to accept the fact that I am gay?  Well, in a phrase, it wasn't easy.  When other gay people are asked "when did you first know you were gay?", many of them will respond by saying "oh, I knew when I was just 5 or 6 years old.".  Others will say "I knew when I hit puberty."  For me, it wasn't that clear at all.  I've had an attraction to other males for a very long time.  As I think back today, I can recall this attraction as far back as age 13 or so.  However, I wasn't *conscious* of the fact that I had that attraction until about the time that I went to college.  It was either in my first or second year of college that I bought a magazine that had nude male pictures in it (I'm sure it was a Playgirl or something similar).  The "excitement" that I experienced looking at male bodies is what I'm sure was supposed to happen when other guys looked at female bodies.  Looking at female bodies never did anything for me at all.  I could appreciate the fact that a woman had a beautiful face or a very shapely body (fully clothed, of course), but it never created any kind of thrill or excitement for me.  But I did get that thrill and excitement when I looked at pictures of men.  The reason it all gets so confusing though, is that I still had "crushes" (at least my version of a crush) on different girls.  But, after analyzing this for years, I came to the conclusion that I only had a "crush" on an emotional level with them, definitely not on a physical level with them.

This is also true of the girls I dated in high school.  Everyone in the world seemed to think that Shari H. (who lived behind us) and I dated for a very long time.  The truth is, we would "hang out" together all the time, mainly because she was so incredibly shy and I became her best friend after Jeff moved away.  I think I was more of a "crutch" for her socially, although maybe she had feelings for me that I never picked up on.  During our senior year and during the early years in college, we would occasionally go out on a "date" to a restaurant or a movie.  But that was it.  We rarely ever (if ever) went "parking" (i.e., to act out romantically), and if we did, we only kissed briefly.  My thoughts while kissing her and the other girls I dated was "how long do I have to do this?"  See, I was doing what I thought I was "expected" to do, but I had no feelings or excitement about it.  But, at that time, I didn't recognize the fact that I was attracted to men's bodies, not women's.

I also dated Liz R. (from down the street) for a while and I have always had a "crush" on her, even to this very day.  For some unexplainable reason, Liz sits high on a pedestal in my thoughts, and only one other female (uh, besides you, of course) can even come close to her (someone I worked with in Phoenix that you don't know).  But again, it has nothing to do with physical attraction -- it's an emotional attraction or attachment that I have with her that makes me so fond of her.

The person I remember dating the most and the longest in high school was Shari P. (who attended my rival high school).  The truth about that situation is that I NEVER wanted to date her.  I felt "forced" to date her after her mother, who worked at the same grocery store I worked at, and my best friend at the time, Charles, who also worked there, continuously asked me when I was going to ask her out (because Shari had asked them to put the pressure on me).  So, after awhile, I gave in and asked her out.  She was fun to go places with and to do things with, but she also *loved* to go "parking" for extended kissing sessions.  Ugh!  I remember thinking again, "when can we end this so I can go home?"  There was never any physical attraction on my part for her.  Of course, she kind of encouraged me to "make moves" on her (which was never anything more than my putting my hand on her butt while fully clothed), so that she could playfully tell me to "stop" and grab my hand to move it away.  It was a silly game, I thought, but one she liked for me to play.  Luckily for me, I knew she never expected anything more from me.

Mike's Introduction to "Denial", Thanks in Part to Timmy

Even before I was old enough to start dating girls in high school, I was already going through a strange time with my friend Timmy M.  I'm sure you remember him and all those times I was invited to stay over at his parent's house to spend the night. Don't worry, I'm not about to tell you that we had sex or even "experimented" because we never did.  In fact, I never had any undeniable clue that Timmy was gay (and, to this day, I have not been able to confirm it, but I highly suspect that he is).  Anyway, I think the main reason we were such good friends (from about age 14 to 16, if I recall correctly) is that my friendship with him was my first taste of independence.  When I spent the night at his parent's house, we always got to stay up as late as we wanted.  And, when they moved to that apartment in the city, we not only got to stay up as late as we wanted, we also got to go to Taco Bell, the mall and the Steak & Egg restaurant at all hours of the day and night.  Many nights we ate waffles at Steak & Egg at 4 a.m. or later.  It was all innocent fun on our part, but it was still "freedom" and "independence" for two young teenagers.

Unfortunately, as Timmy got older, he started doing strange things that I couldn't explain.  I can remember many times when we'd be sitting in a Science class in high school and Timmy would start giving me these very suggestive, sexual come-on looks.  I would ask him what he was doing, but he'd ignore me and continue doing it.  I would get angry at him and just ignore him.  At that time, I could never admit to myself that he was being sexually suggestive towards me -- today, we call this "denial."  I also remember an incident one Halloween when he was at our house and we went back to my bedroom and shut the door.  This was back when I had those black walls and all those little round mirrors on the wall (having fun remembering that ugly room???).  Well, we went back there so I could show him the strobe light that I had just gotten.  We turned the lights out and turned on the blinking strobe line.  We were moving all around the room acting goofy when he suddenly moved in very close to me with his mouth wide open like we was trying to kiss me.  Well, maybe it was just an accident, but I suddenly felt VERY uncomfortable.  I quickly turned on the lights, he made some joke about how we had "almost kissed", and I got us out of there as fast as I could.  But, once again, I couldn't admit to myself that he might have been trying to make a move on me -- denial.

Well, eventually, kids at school started giving him a very bad time.  They started calling him names like "queer", "faggot" and "homo".  I had an idea of what those words were, but I really didn't know what they meant.  I just knew that the more they called Timmy those names, the more I felt uncomfortable hanging around him.  He was also getting more weird.  Every weekend, like clockwork, if I was at his parent's apartment, he would apply some type of mayonnaise treatment to his hair.  And, of course, he was a MAJOR user of a curling iron which in those days was weird for guys.  The straw that finally broke the camel's back with me was the afternoon that I went over to his parent's apartment and Timmy was getting ready to go somewhere with me -- or so I thought.  His older sister and her friends were there, and next thing I know, Timmy goes into a bedroom and returns a minute later with a baggie full of all kinds of pills.  I knew that Timmy occasionally smoked pot (I never did...never even tried it...never even tried a cigarette either...does that surprise you?), but I had no idea he was doing other drugs.  I took one look at that bag, and I left.  End of friendship.  End of story.  Soon after, Timmy dropped out of high school due to all the harassment he was getting from other students.  Since we were no longer friends at that time, I never received any harassment from anyone like he did.  That's probably because people thought Shari H. and I were dating.
 

Part II:  Mike Goes To College, Graduates, Finds a Job and Begins a Miserable, Lonely Existance...For Awhile
 

Part III:  Mike Begins "Coming Out", Experiencing Successes and Failures Along The Way, And Eventually Comes Out To His Mother...Plus, An Update On What Has Happened Since This Letter!