January 11, 2000

Dear Mom,

I hope you will be able to read this letter with an open heart and mind, and with a humility that might allow you to believe that I can help you to continue to grow in your understanding of my sexuality.  It is important to me to again challenge you in your understanding and beliefs about my sexual orientation.  I promise to be gentle and loving in these pages.

I think that you would agree with me that you have grown in your understanding of homosexuality by having known for 13 years that you have a gay son.  For example, I remember you and I walking on the campus of my university in my first year there, before you knew that I was gay, and you saw a bulletin for gay Christians and you said that there was no such thing as a gay Christian.  You were wrong about that but you have grown in your understanding and experience and know now that there are countless gay, lesbian and bisexual Christians.  I’m sure you have grown in your understanding of and comfort with homosexuality in many other ways as well.

You once told me (in a letter years ago) that me being out as a gay man was a sign that I was rebelling against my family and against God.  You were wrong.  Being out as a gay man is an act of honesty, an act of courage, an act of integrity, and an act that God celebrates; whether my family chooses to or not.  Do you still believe that I am rebelling against my family and God?  Perhaps you have grown into a new understanding.

Again in a letter, you once strongly suggested that everyone is a bisexual and that we all have a choice about living as a heterosexual or a homosexual.  You were wrong.  There are gay people who are not attracted to their opposite gender and for them to try to live a heterosexual “lifestyle” is psychologically and spiritually demeaning and harmful.  There are straight people who are not attracted to their same gender and for them to try to live a homosexual “lifestyle” is psychologically and spiritually demeaning and harmful.

Your support of ‘ex-gay’ ‘ministries’ has been sincere but misguided.  ‘Ex-gay’ ‘ministries’ exist because there is a climate of homophobia and misunderstanding in our culture and our churches.  For homophobic gay men and lesbians (who have been told often since childhood by their parents, churches, and culture that homosexuality is wrong and immoral) ‘ex-gay’ ‘ministries’ offer the promise that with prayer and dedication to God, they can change their sexual orientation.  (Wrongly implying that gay and lesbian people are out of God’s favor).  The result is that these people may temporarily change the behavior of their sexual expression, but they find emotional anguish in their earnest but failing attempt to change their sexual orientation – a core and unchanging feature of our personalities.

Your financial support of these ‘ministries’ is also an unmistakable message to me.  Your message to me is:  “I don’t think you should be who you are.  You should be different.  You would be more acceptable to me if you were something other than what you are”.  And if I happen to out-live you and Dad and you still have an ‘ex-gay’ ‘ministry’ as a beneficiary in your living trust, then you in a very real sense insure that your last and parting ‘words’ for me will be “you should have been different … you would have been more acceptable to us as a straight man.”  I hope never to experience the pain of that parting sentiment.

I know that your understanding of the Bible is one significant factor influencing your beliefs about homosexuality.  You know that there are other ways to interpret the Bible than how you presently choose to.  When I first came out to you I gave you the book Is the Homosexual my Neighbor by Scanzoni and Mollencott which addressed alternative biblical interpretations of homosexuality.  There are many other books by Christian clergy and biblical scholars that reveal perspectives in Biblical interpretation that provide insights into understanding what the Bible is able to tell us about homosexuality.  Homosexuality is an almost universal topic of debate and dialog among Protestant churches.  I think you know that there are a significant number of Christian Churches, Christian clergy, and even some Christian denominations who have come to understand that they can embrace the Bible as the word of God, and also embrace gay, lesbian, and bisexual people as blessed by God with their particular sexual orientation.

The Christian Church as an institution, as well as Christians individually, have used the Bible over the centuries to rationalize prejudice and privilege.  The Bible has been used to rationalize the bloody Crusades, to rationalize the right to own slaves, to rationalize racism and to rationalize the oppression and subjugation of women to give a few examples.  The use of the Bible in our time to now denigrate and deny rights to gay people is just one more example of this historical abuse of the Bible to reinforce people’s fears and prejudices.  Years from now (and even presently) as our society and world grows in its understanding of sexual orientation, people will look back and see the terrible harm of using the Bible to once again deny a category of people acceptance, justice, and full humanity.

The Bible should be considered a living document to be interpreted along with the presence of the Holy Spirit and along with the presence of modern scientific understandings (which come to us with humanity’s God-given intelligence).  Martin Luther quoted the Bible to oppose Copernicus’ newly revealed truth that the earth revolves around the sun and not the reverse.  Luther’s interpretation of the Bible in this situation served to oppress the revelation of truth.  Christians today do the same thing when they rely solely on literal interpretations of the Bible and disregard truths revealed to us through new scientific understandings, through ongoing Biblical scholarship, through God’s living history and through the work of the Holy Spirit.  I invite you again Mom to explore these possibilities with humility and an open heart.  Doing so will not harm your faith.

I experienced your willingness to ask a few questions about the man that I was dating last year as a sign of growth.  I appreciated your interest and that gesture very much.  And I was amazed and happy when you, in a spirit of happiness, took a picture of John and I dancing together at John's wedding last year – I interpreted that to be another sign of your partial or momentary acceptance of who I am. I believe that you have grown and continue to grow in your love and understanding and acceptance of gay and lesbian people.  I know that your experience of having a gay son (who you know to be a gentle, caring, spiritual person who cares about living in truth and with integrity) has challenged you to some extent to examine what prejudiced and homophobic sources (including the Church) have told you about me and all gay people.

I am hopeful for more growth for you and for our relationship.  How wonderful it would be to be rid of the shame, silence, embarrassment and guilt.  We have a little ways to go yet. Will you let me help guide you there?  PFLAG is a wonderful resource for this growth and I have been to a couple of meetings here in Phoenix. I am inviting you to come with me to attend several meetings. The next meeting is at 7:00pm on January 17th.  There is a presentation, and then people break up into smaller groups to tell their story.  You wouldn’t have to say anything if you didn’t want to, but just listen to what other people are feeling and experiencing.  I would also like you to read two books that I have recently read.  They are powerful personal accounts of individual lives.  One book is called Stranger at the Gate    To be Gay and Christian in America and it is an autobiography by Mel White who is an evangelical Christian who was the ghostwriter for people such as Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson.  The other book is called Prayers for Bobby    A Mother’s Coming to Terms with the Suicide of her Gay Son and it is a biography  of Mary Griffith and Bobby Griffith written by Leroy Arrons.  I would like to buy these for you (my copies were from the library) and talk about them with you.

It is not easy for me to give you this letter.  I have wanted to talk about these things with you face to face again, but I fear the discomfort and the potential rejection. And I know I express myself well in writing.  Whether face to face or through a letter, I know I am creating discomfort both for myself and for you.  I am offering you this letter because I believe that the potential for growth and understanding for our relationship outweighs this present discomfort.

I know you love me deeply Mom.  And I love you so very much.  Words can never fully express the love we have for each other.  Our relationship at times has been so very painful.  I do not seek more pain for us, but more growth and understanding.  Won’t you humbly and prayerfully consider my invitation?  My invitation of course includes Dad as well.  So many parents and children have gone down this path and God has gone with them; and so we will not be alone as we step past shame and guilt and misunderstanding into greater understanding and love.

Love,
Daniel
 

So, What's Happened Since???  An Update from Daniel:

My letter to my mother has resulted in several important and deeply meaningful conversations between us.  My mother agreed to read one of the books I recommended, as well as to attend a PFLAG meeting with me.  After doing so, she told me that she was glad to have had the experience of both the book and the PFLAG meeting, and that they had given her a better understanding of my experience as a gay man.  I am also happy to report that my mother has expressed an interest in reading more books that I would recommend.

The tensions that have existed between my mother and myself for over 13 years, given her strong religious beliefs and my sexual orientation, have been a great source of pain and despair for both of us.  It is such a terrible shame that so many heart-wrenching tears have been shed.  We are doing better these days.  It may be that my mother will always believe that homosexuality is evil.  I will keep reminding her that I am evidence to the contrary!  (I love you Mom.)

[Note: To protect their privacy, the name "Daniel" has been used in place of this individual's real name. We extend our deep appreciation that they were willing to share their personal and private story with us.]