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“I Guess I Was Wrong”
I have often heard that “change” is the only constant in
life. Our lives are full of change – jobs, our
relationships, even the world we live in seems to change every
day. While many of these changes seem beyond our control,
there is one area in which we have complete control – changing
ourselves. Often, as in my case, the ability to change was
not an issue – not realizing (admitting) that I needed to
change was.
Let me begin by saying that I grew up in a fairly
“traditional” family – parents, one sister and a dog –
and a home in suburbia, California. I attended public
school from kindergarten through graduation and lived a fairly
“average” life. Unfortunately, in the mid to late
80’s (my high school years), there were subjects that just
were not discussed in public (or in private, for that matter),
among these were the topics of sex and sexuality. Please
understand that these were not “bad” or “forbidden”
issues - they simply weren’t issues at all – they were
“non-issues”. Distinctions in my mind between
“gays”, “lesbians”, ”transgendered“ and
“transsexuals” were not made – I had them lumped into a
common, easier to dismiss category – “freaks”. This
label wasn’t something that my parents or teachers formally
taught me, it was simply an attitude that I developed through
exposure to society in general. It was no different than
developing the attitude (as a teenager) that it is cool to
smoke, drink or use drugs. The only difference was that
the latter were “issues” that were dealt with at home, in
school and in the media – “Just say no to drugs”,
“smoking causes cancer” and “Don’t drink and drive”.
On the opposite end, I was taught that skin color, race and
religion did not matter – it was okay to be different in that
respect. However, the whole subject of sexuality was, for
lack of a better term, “in the closet”.
In high school I developed several friendships, as do most
teenagers, one of which has lasted over 17 years. It is
this friendship that led me to re-examine a lot of my opinions
and beliefs and, in fact, admit (to myself) that I was wrong and
needed to change. When my journey of change began, I was
21, recently married and had known my best friend, Jason, for
about 6 years. Most stories begin with an event and this
one is no different – it begins with a phone call. A
phone call at around 2 in the morning, from Jason, telling me he
really needs to talk and asking if I could meet him at
Denny’s. Thirty minutes later, we are eating and talking
when he says something to the effect of, “It’s been a tough
week at school, work is hard, I haven’t been eating well
lately, I’m bisexual, how’s your food?” Did I hear
that right? Bisexual? He wanted to know what I
thought, so I was honest – “You had to drag me out of bed at
2 in the morning for this?” I told him I was fine, that
he was still Jason to me and everything was okay. We
hugged, left and I went home.
But I wasn’t fine. I just had a bombshell dropped on
me. I had spent the last 6 years with a freak, letting him
become my closet friend – confiding in him, trusting him,
loving him – he had become the brother I never had. What
was I thinking!?!? WHAM! Another bombshell – what
WAS I thinking? This wasn’t some freak, some weirdo,
some deviant – it was Jason, my best friend. Someone I
not only trusted with my life, but with the life of my child -
someone who had been there for me whenever I needed him –
through good times and bad, never asking for anything in return
except my friendship. Well, even if he was bisexual or gay
or whatever, he couldn’t be “typical” – after all, he
didn’t meet any of the stereotypes I had always associated
with homosexuality. He had to be the exception to the
rule, didn’t he? Could my views and beliefs have been
wrong all these years?
I took this question seriously – had I been wrong? It
was at this point that I did a lot of soul-searching and
re-examined a lot of my beliefs. I tried remembering when
and where I was taught about sexuality and couldn’t. It
was a realization for me – a real wake-up call - how
many views and opinions had I adopted based strictly on other
people’s views or on second or third-hand information?
Maybe I was wrong before, but never again. I would form my
own opinions from now on, based on my own research and
experience.
That was 9 years ago. Since then, I have continued
(with Jason’s help) my education on sexuality. However,
it has only been in the last 3 years that I have become more
outspoken about my views. My oldest children are in school
now and are asking lots of questions. While I will address
issues more openly with my children and hopefully avoid the lack
of education I experienced, what about all of the other children
out there that are in, or will be in, the same position I was?
I hope to be able to help prevent that from happening.
That is what drew me to PFLAG – the idea that I could be part
of an organization that not only offers support for those faced
with the reality that someone they know and love is gay, but
also goes a step further and provides educational presentations
for schools and other organizations. Once I realized I was
wrong, I was able to change. I could do it, anyone can –
but they have to realize that a change is needed. I want
to help bring that realization to as many people as I can.
Meet Bud, PFLAG Phoenix's new newsletter
editor . . .
We're glad to know you, Bud! Thanks
for sharing your story! |
